And… send. Sorry, I’m just wrapping up my application for a six-figure Data Analyst position at a fancy tech startup. Please continue with your interview questions. What makes me the ideal candidate for the open content director position at your fancy tech startup? Terrific question. In a word: verisimilitude.
It’s the believable appearance of success I project as a proud member of the Gen Z workforce, and it’s all thanks to my ever-expanding résumé. I never remain at one job longer than two hours, so my career never stops progressing.
Hang tight while I answer this phone call.
Yes, Mr. Douglas, I’ll have that client pitch completed by EOH. Yes, sir, at the end of the hour. Also, I quit. Thank you for all the mentorship and guidance you’ve bestowed upon me these last 120 minutes. Goodbye.
Where were we? Ah, yes, my dedication to this new potential job. Which is… remind me again? Content director. Right. Let me just pull up a second Zoom window—bear with me, I’m currently interviewing for a GenAI researcher position as well, and the statement I’m about to make applies to both hiring managers. (Once you get to know me, you’ll learn that I do not mince words. Also, I don’t commute. It’s just not feasible.)
Anyway, dedication. Dedication to my work is what sustains me. When you talk about dedication and loyalty, I smile because you’re describing precisely what drives the perpetual motion of my aspirational core: a fanatic loyalty to my own sense of self-worth. Don’t believe me? Just listen to this half-second recommendation from a former boss.
“What’s this—”
I have hundreds of micro-recommendations from hundreds of former employers. I’ve picked up a thousand fractions of on-the-job skills from countless Fortune 500 companies’ new employee orientations. My LinkedIn profile scrolls on for so long that no one truly knows when I first started working.
Best of all, I have job hopped with such frequency that my annual cumulative earnings already surpass $1,480,000. An astronomical figure of which I haven’t seen a dime, since direct deposit takes two weeks to set up.
Hang on, another phone call is coming in. Hello? Yes, this is him. Oh my goodness, amazing! Thank you so much for this opportunity. I’ll be there tomorrow morning for the first two hours of onboarding before I quit. Consider this my two-hour notice. Goodbye.