“To reflect who we are and the future we hope to build, I’m proud to share that our company is now Meta.”— CEO Mark Zuckerberg announcing Facebook’s new name.
It is time for us to adopt a new company brand to encompass everything that we do. To reflect who we are and what we hope to build, I am proud to announce that, starting today, our company still sucks total fucking shit.
But don’t worry! Our overall mission remains the same—it’s still about sucking total fucking shit, ruining as many lives as possible, and taking an absolute goddamn hammer to democracy.
Our apps and our brands? The ones that steal your information and treat you like a piece of pond scum? Have no fear—they’re not changing either. If anything, we’re going to make them even fucking worse.
Look, I’ll make you a promise. We are still the same company you’ve always known—the one that that sucks hot rotten steaming fucking shit, day in and day out. But now we have a new North Star for our company brand: to suck even more shit than anyone ever thought possible.
And we have a new name that reflects the full breadth of what we do, and the future that we want to help completely fucking destroy. From now on, we’re going to be Sucking Shit First—it’s our number one priority.
But we know we can’t do this without you. And that’s why we hope you’ll join us on this new adventure, so we can keep destroying your entire fucking lives and the future of this godforsaken planet. We will keep proving to you that no matter what happens, our company will now and forever suck total fucking shit.