I can’t help but notice that you seem to be staring in bemused wonderment at my most spectacular creation: the homepage of weather.com. I assume you went to a website with only one word, WEATHER, because you are interested in how the aforementioned subject will relate to your day. You are shit out of luck. Now, please excuse Daddy while he snorts a bump of cocaine.

Did you know there is currently a motherfucking severe storm?? It is somewhere in the United States! Damage is goddam imminent. Could it affect you?? Probably not. While you are here, you might as well click on that article titled WHAT’S BEHIND THE CLIFF? Seriously, you won’t believe the shit that is behind that cliff. Do you really want to be the only dumbass by the water cooler tomorrow who doesn’t know what was behind the cliff? Be my guest, but I heard the secretary, Kelly, is single now — and she loves talking about mysterious things found behind cliffs. Oh boy, Daddy needs another bump.

Seriously, this isn’t clickbait; this a fucking public service. How else are pieces of crap like you supposed to start conversations? By talking about the weather? If you want to talk about that crap, go and hang with the nerds at noaa.gov.

If we have to talk weather — it has to be crazy shit. I’m not talking about highs or lows, snow or rain. You want to know if you should bring an umbrella? Go to www.lookoutyourfuckingwindow.com. If you come to me we are gonna be talking about the good shit. I’m talking Freezing Fog, Snow Thunder, and Squall Lines. If you can’t imagine a weather event taking place in a movie starring Bruce Willis then I don’t want to talk about it. Honestly, I don’t even know if these things exist. I just put up alerts about snow thunder to promote my nu-metal band. You can check us out at www.myspace.com/snowthunder.

All this talk of snow… Daddy’s gonna take a big bump.

Remember that scene in the movie Twister where a cow goes flying through the fucking sky? He’s all like “Moooooo.” Yeah, that part is pretty awesome.

Are you aware that I have in my possession a gallery of pictures that includes the most expensive house in every fucking state. Stop. Think about that. I’m not talking one state, I’m not talking about nine states. I’m not even talking about the continental US. This shit includes AK and HI, bitches.

You don’t need to know the weather because you don’t need to go outside. You need to do some coke with me and spend the next two hours looking over some SPECTACULAR homes. Go ahead, like that shit on Facebook. If we’re lucky, everyone will click on it so nobody will need to know the weather today, because I sure as hell don’t.