Shure SE215 Sound Isolating Earphones
$100
(Shure.com)
On the day we met, and a few times following, my guy yanked my ear buds out of my ear holes so he could tell me me to how beautiful I am. Apparently, I hadn’t heard him through the headphones! The moment he snatched them was the moment I knew I had to marry him. Anyway, he’s so strong that he broke the headphones and I—I mean we would like another pair.
All-Clad Stainless Steel 10-Piece Set
$700
(Sur La Table)
Not only are these pots top-of-the-line and chef preferred, but also they clang very loudly when you smash them together. This is ideal for when my new husband would like to wake me up in the morning or get my attention any other time. He can just clang clang clang as loudly as he pleases!
Deluxe Red Tail or Harris Hawk Apprentice Falconry Kit
(With Instruction Manual)
Size Medium $598
(Mikesfalconry.com)
This is a fun hobby item. After all, it’s our wedding. Last year, my darling fiancé harassed me daily as I read H is for Hawk while I waited for the train. In any case, I loved the book, and he is very interested in predatory behavior. We hope to catch a hawk with this glove and meat on a chain, so the bird can screech at me just as my love screeches at me.
Margaritaville Tahiti Frozen Concoction Maker
$499.99
(Target)
If there’s one parrot-head I know, it’s my guy. This triple margarita maker will be great for entertaining and we can have friends over. He loves all my friends, who he also shouted obscenities at, but I know that he’s “the one.” It’s also another appliance that he can use to make loud noises at me.
Go Smile Whitening Light System
$198
(Go Smile)
It’s hugely important for me to maintain a healthy, white smile since my guy is always demanding that I smile. I am very lucky to be marrying someone who cares about my happiness.
Vintage Antique Style Ah-Woogah Horn
$18.97
(Ebay)
My poor, strong guy. He gets so tired from shouting “Ah-woogah! Ah-woogah!” at me all day. Hopefully, this horn will give his voice a nice rest. He’ll honk it at me in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer.
Vitamix 7500
$529
(Williams-Sonoma)
My fiancé and I met in the morning on my way to work. Making breakfast smoothies and juices in our pulverizing blender will remind me the fateful morning we met (I had a smoothie which he swatted out of my hand to get my attention). This is also another item that will make loud, screamy noises at me when words fail him.
Plane Tickets for Our Honeymoon
(Any airline, any amount, anywhere)
The more he says it the more I find it to be true: My ass won’t quit and my legs go on for days. They are exhausted and totally deserve a vacation. Our honeymoon will be the perfect chance for my legs, butt, and the lower half of my body in general to get some R&R.