Read Sara K. Runnels’ original version here.
PROTEST RALLIES – Energetic. Thick. Full of good signs.
DATA – Sensitive. All about me. Entered correctly.
FIRST LADIES – Smart. Empathetic. Always be best.
NEWS – Trustworthy. Of substance. Impossible to turn off.
GUNS – Controlled. Built to do shots. Locked in a cabinet.
SUPREME COURT – High. Liberal. Looks fly in a robe.
PLANNED PARENTHOOD – Altruistic. Well-funded. Conveniently located in my neighborhood.
COLLUSION – Mutually beneficial. Done in private. Russian.
PAY – Substantial. Proportionate. Not dependent on sex.
WEDDINGS – Full of love. Offering unlimited drinks. Gay.
BORDERS – Secure. Without walls. Welcoming of all body types.
GOVERNMENT SURVEILLANCE – Inquisitive. Takes cute pics from every angle. Wants to tap that.
CLIMATE CHANGE – Very real. Ever-evolving. Gets me so hot.
MISSILES – Foreign. Full of surprises. Stored underground.
SOCIAL MEDIA – Entertaining. Constantly refreshed. Easily muted.
LADY PARTS – Respected. In comfy panties. Nowhere near Trump.
HEALTHCARE – High quality. Easy to get. Single (payer) AF.
CONGRESS – Came to represent. Loves a good party. Always with a whip.
CONSTITUTION – Conventional. Appreciative of independence. Into perfect unions.
ROBOTS – Well-made. Obedient. Never better looking than me.
ELECTIONS – Fair. With a reliable poll. Always in my favor.
SPACE FORCE – Outrageous. With a cool name. Launched immediately into the void.
BITCOIN – Investible. Not understood by most. Only available online.
CHURCHES – Spiritual. Inclusive. Faithfully worships Beyoncé.
SELF-CARE – In the bath. With wine. Useful until the apocalypse.
PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION – Well-maintained. With a good track record. Easy to get off.
ABC SITCOM REVIVALS – Family-focused. Hotly discussed. Canceled.
PLANET – Clean. Well-rounded. With big dick energy.
PRESIDENT – Competent. Dignified. Black.