Lisa,

I’m honored you asked for my feedback on your clearly autobiographical screenplay, Unfulfilled. But after reading the first 40 pages, I think it’s better for our marriage if I never look at it again. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s already irreparably damaged how I look at our relationship, children, plants, tweets, and Spotify playlists.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you named your protagonist “Lysa,” and her husband “Doug” — which is my name spelled the way I spell it. I have to wonder if it’s also a coincidence “Lysa” is a 32-year-old screenwriter who leaves her family to be with Chad, the “brooding adonis” she meets at ventriloquism class. I’m so glad I got you those classes for Christmas.

Don’t get me started on the three-page scene where your father, I’m sorry, “Lysa’s” father, tells guests at our anniversary dinner that he doesn’t like “Doug” because a son-in-law should know a thing or two about snow tires. How many times does “Doug” have to remind everyone that we — me, you, and Lysa — live in Phoenix?

Let me not forget the brunch that opens the second act, which did wonders for my self-esteem by the way. Do you and your friends actually get together for the sole purpose of ridiculing my body over mimosas? I’ll have you know the men in my family have a genetic predisposition to wide-set nipples and not one of us finds it funny.

You should tell Lysa that. You know what else you should tell Lysa? That you and I decided to expose our children to the religions of the world, but we agreed celebrating Kwanzaa might be a little offensive. Too bad Lysa responded by calling me a racist and outing me as an Iggy Azalea fan, both in the screenplay and on the Facebook fan page you set up for her.

As a stay-at-home dad, my masculinity is constantly questioned. How do you think it makes me feel when NEIGHBORHOOD TEENAGER 3 saves me from a fire by carrying me down two flights of stairs? And did I really need to be “weeping inconsolably” the entire time?

Thanks again, sweetheart, for making sure I don’t continue to think you appreciate my cooking. Lysa made it very clear one of the reasons her relationship fell apart was Doug refusing to “evolve” and adopt “farm-to-table practices.” She’s right, I’m sure the twins will love swiss chard once they realize it’s locally sourced.

What hurts me most is your reprisal of our infamous snake fern fight. I know, I know; I should have watered it while you were away. But “Horticultural Hitler” is as painful to read as it was to hear.

Oddly enough, I did like the Chad character, who was a breath of fresh air and totally believable as the talented voice-thrower and reluctant homewrecker. He seems like a nice guy. Though I’m not sure I would have made his penis that much bigger than Doug’s.

I still love you,
Doug

P.S. Couples therapy starts Tuesday. Feel free to bring Chad.