Sega fanatics and pancake aficionados rejoiced last week as the International House of Pancakes dropped their latest collab. These six foodstuffs, inspired by America’s favorite blue hedgehog, are sure to make Sonic players curl up in a little ball and spin around really fast in joy. But don’t worry, I tried every item on the new menu, so you don’t have to. And while I’m happy to do it for you, I’d feel better if you tried an IHOP novelty menu one of these times, just so I’d know we had an equal partnership.

Sonic’s Blue Blur Special
Press start to four flapjacks loaded with juicy berries, the very same color as our ring-obsessed protagonist. When I dove into this not-so-short stack, I felt a sense of pride that I was doing you a solid. I mean, somebody has to try these hedgehog pancakes. And, like you said, I’m just “better at this kind of thing.” But also, if I’m being totally honest, in the back of my mind, I felt some resentment. Maybe you’d be better at eating IHOP novelty fare if you actually tried to try them once in a while. I’m sorry. I know you’re swamped at work right now, but maybe you can get the next one, and I could read about it on my bathroom break? ★★★★

Tails’s 2×2×2
Our lovable fox sidekick, known for his two tails, can’t stop at just one egg, pancake, and strip of bacon. No, each appendage needs its own trio of breakfast delights. Again, I was happy to take this one, but I couldn’t help but think this would have been a great menu item to split. I mean, I was a grown man at IHOP alone, gorging on six Sonic-themed meals, and I’ve never even played the game. While it’s true that I saw the movies, I only did that so you wouldn’t have to. And then, if you’ll remember, you went and saw them anyway, which was like a slap in the face. ★★★★

Knuckles’s Chicken Sandwich
I never thought I’d say this, but I DO want this knuckle sandwich. Crispy breading coats a tender chicken patty, surrounded by a plateful of onion rings—golden rings I don’t want to go flying out of my body when I get hit! At this point in the meal, I felt pretty uneasy, not just because I housed six pancakes and a Sega Saturn–sized brick of breading. I was feeling ill because, to be frank, it feels like I do everything around here. I ate Gru’s Evil Steakburger off the IHOP Minions menu because you were doing paleo that week. Then, when the IHOP Wonka menu rolled around, and I tried to hint that maybe you could try the Scrumdiddlyumptious Strawberry Hot Chocolate this time so I could take a break, you conveniently got COVID. It’s like, why am I even in this relationship? ★★★★★

Dr. Eggman’s Benedict
You know what your problem is? You don’t even think about these IHOP novelty menus, because you just expect somebody else to handle them. Well, who do you think tries them? The IHOP novelty menu fairy? No, it’s me. Every time. And, if god forbid, I was to slip on some of Dr. Eggman’s creamy hollandaise sauce and crack my head open, what would you even do? ★★★★

Shadow’s Chaos Pancakes
I’ll tell you what would become of you. You’d be suddenly crushed under the weight of adult responsibility, having to finally try a single IHOP novelty menu for yourself. You’d be forced to grow up, put on your big kid pants, and tell the exhausted IHOP waitress that you want one of everything. For once in your life, you’d have to read these lazy puns out loud. And at that moment, you’d realize how good you had it for all these years. ★★★★

Amy’s Sweet Strawberry Delight
A quarter waffle, luscious ice cream, and strawberries are as sweet as Amy the Hedgehog, a.k.a. Rosy the Rascal. This dessert will have even Rouge the Bat saying she’s “gotta go fast” to IHOP. ★★★★★