Ever since I got back from sleepaway camp, and told everyone about Stacy, my new girlfriend that I met there, I’ve been getting a lot of questions from disbelievers. Even after I explained that you haven’t met her yet because she’s from Canada, many of you still seemed skeptical that I, a 13-year-old boy, would be able to acquire a lover that is — by my own description — “really hot.” And yes, it’s true I do not have any pictures of us together. But here’s the rub: If I made up my new Canadian girlfriend, then where did I get all this free healthcare?
As we all know, America’s healthcare system is unparalleled — in that it is worse than that of every other major country on earth. And yet, I seem to enjoy all the amenities and benefits of high-quality healthcare. The only explanation is that I’m getting all this healthcare for free from my very real girlfriend Stacy, who you’ve never met because she lives in the land of maple syrup and universal medicare.
Take my inhaler, for example. As you can see just by looking at it, this is a premium, top-of-the-line device. The plastic is durable and well-made, and its stirring, fire-engine red coloring allows me to show off my personal style while dealing with an asthma attack. There’s no way I could afford an inhaler like this. No, I got it from Stacy, who I have definitely made out with upwards of seven times, and who gets necessary medical items like this for free just by being a Canadian citizen.
Do you have any idea how much insulin costs in this country? $360 per vial. People are dying because they are rationing this expensive drug — it’s a national disgrace. Like other Type-1 diabetics, Mr. Foofoo, my family’s pet cat, needs a vial of insulin every few weeks to survive. How do I afford all those vials? Simple: Stacy, who I once even got to second base with after canteen, provides me with insulin from the Great White North. There it costs just $36 a pop. That’s a ninety percent markdown! Most people say their girlfriends cost them money, but mine saves me from the undue burden of paying for my (and my cat’s) exorbitant healthcare expenses.
The fact that I am taking advantage of these basic but expensive healthcare amenities should be enough to convince you that Stacy is real. I know you have other questions, like why we’re not friends on Facebook, why she doesn’t have an Instagram, and why she doesn’t ever text me. Well, Stacy is a grounded person who tries not to use social media, especially from democracy-threatening monopolies like Facebook. And she doesn’t text me because international texts are expensive.
But you know what wasn’t expensive? The root canal that I had to get after eating too much chewing gum at canteen. (I needed my breath to smell minty fresh before our late-night trysts.) The Canuck dentist I saw when I visited Stacy up North assured me that this painful procedure would have been even more painful for my wallet if I had gotten it in the United States, where it can cost upwards of $2,000. That’s money I can now spend on my sexy, legitimate girlfriend — or rather that my parents can spend on my allowance, which I use exclusively to support Stacy by buying hockey pucks from her small business (a hockey puck factory).
Speaking of my parents, there’s a nasty rumor going around that the reason I can afford all of these medical procedures, drugs, and devices is because both my parents are rich hedge fund managers that have access to the best healthcare money can buy. That’s ludicrous. My parents, even if they do have all the money they would ever need and then twenty-three times that, wouldn’t spend a dime on my healthcare. Why do that when they can get it for free? After all, they own homes in plenty of countries that, because it’s a basic human right, offer healthcare to all their residents. There’s our chateau in France, our bungalow in Australia, Mr. Foo Foo’s estate in Switzerland, or our other homes in Austria, Bahrain, Belgium, Brunei, Cyprus, Denmark, Finland, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, Iceland, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Kuwait, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Singapore, Slovenia, South Korea, Spain, Sweden, the United Arab Emirates, and the United Kingdom. And also Canada.
Or they could visit any of our homes in countries that offer very cheap or near-universal health care, which is basically every other country. The point is, they wouldn’t buy their healthcare here in America. They’re better at business than that.
Look, I can see that you have a lot more questions. And I’m worried that you’ll ask people I went to camp with if Stacy is real, to which they’ll probably say “There was no one named Stacy at our camp.” That’s an inside joke that, frankly, is not worth explaining. So instead, why don’t you take some of these spare insulin vials and sell them on the black market? Don’t think of them as bribes. Think of them as gifts from someone more fortunate — my girlfriend Stacy, who is blessed to be from the great nation of Canada.