“Okay, so, that was just the stupidest surgery ever. I totally suck at cutting people open. I am the worst, ugh, take away my medical license.”
“Yeah, I’m best known for being a real estate agent, but I think of myself as more of a pet supply store owner. But that’s just something I do on my own time. For now.”
“Hi Twitter, just here to tell you that instead of going to the bank, which I voluntarily choose to manage, Ima stay home and clean my kitchen, including the spice rack.”
“Tough day for nursing. I was told ‘no’ four times by patients, and one didn’t even respond when I asked if they wanted help with their rapid blood loss.”
“Yes, I am an insurance agent, and no, I don’t daydream about being as successful as Flo from those Progressive commercials someday. Flo isn’t actually an agent and she’s definitely not a real per—…. you know what? Never mind.”
“No, no, I totally understand. Of course you want to work with an internet technology specialist that you’ve heard of.”
“Uh-huh, yep, a real preschool teacher. Yes, I make a living at it. Where might you have seen my work? Well, do you spend a lot of time in preschools?”
“Daydreaming is actually a really important part of being a submarine pilot. That downtime is key to my process.”
“No big tree-trimming breaks yet, but I’m gonna enter a bunch of contests. If nothing else, it puts my landscaping work out there. You never know who’s judging!”
“So, yeah, I tried typing up a deposition today, but I just wasn’t feeling it, so I gave up after an hour.”
“Hey friends, so sorry to ask this, but if you could click ‘like’ on the atmospheric conditions report I posted on NOAA’s internal server, I’d really appreciate it, totally don’t even have to read it, just hit that ‘like’ button. If you could tell your friends to like it, too, that’d be great. Helps the algorithm!”
“I cannot collect the trash unless the light is absolutely perfect.”
“Ready to get started on your haircut in a sec, let me just binge Season 2 of Buffy first.”
“I sold a pair of shoes today, so I am going to treat myself to 15 pairs of shoes!”
“Am I even talented at running a fish hatchery? Do other fish hatchery owners feel as down about their fish hatchery work as I do?”
“Oh, your son is an actuary too? He makes six figures, huh? And he’s 24? Excuse me, I need to use the restroom — if you see my friend please tell her to bring me some tissues.”
“I’m so glad you liked the retirement plan I put together! Sure, I’d be happy to make it snappier and add in some jokes before I show it to you again, when you may or may not agree to hire me.”
“I may never win fame as an anthropologist specializing in hominid fossils found in Eastern Europe, but I’m expressing my innermost self and that’s what matters.”