SERPENT: Psst. Hey, Eve. I dare you to eat that dark red apple over there.

EVE: Which apple?

SERPENT: That gleaming one, on the tree God said not to go near. It’s called a Red Delicious.

EVE: No thanks. There’s so much fruit around here already. I mean, we live in a garden. Have you tried the figs? They’re beyond. Besides, God definitely said I’d die if I ate from that tree.

SERPENT: He only said that because he knows if you eat from it, then he won’t be mister “all-powerful” anymore. You’ll understand good and evil and all that, same as him. Between us, he’s a textbook megalomaniac.

EVE: Okay, fine. You seem honest enough, despite always skulking about. And that fruit does look delicious.

SERPENT: It absolutely does.

EVE: [takes bite] OMG. This tastes like crap. Why is the skin so waxy and bitter? Why does the flesh taste like bruises? Hey Adam, get over here. You’ve got to try this “forbidden” fruit. It’s trash.

ADAM: [takes bite] Pfft! What the actual hell. Is this God’s idea of a joke? I’d forbid this too on account of it tasting like ass.

EVE: Serpent said it’s called a Red Delicious. Can you even?! Unless we just picked a bad one…

ADAM: Maybe so. Let’s try another. The crimson color is enticing, don’t you think?

EVE: [takes bite] Eww, this one is even worse.

ADAM: Mine too. Was God drunk when he cooked up this threat? I’d rather eat sheep hooves.

EVE: I think I’m gonna be sick.

ADAM: Let’s give it one last chance. Maybe from a higher twig.

EVE: You’re incorrigible.

ADAM: Blech. This must be what cud tastes like.

EVE: What a vile fruit.

ADAM: Truly horrid.

EVE: Repugnant.

ADAM: Mealy to the core.

EVE: You have to admire its beauty, though.

ADAM: Agreed.

EVE: Wait, why are we naked?

ADAM: I guess we can cover ourselves with all the disgusting apple bits we spit everywhere.

GOD: Adam, where are you?

ADAM: I’m over here, but I’m sort of naked.

EVE: Me too.

GOD: Hold on a sec. Did you eat from the one tree I told you not to touch? You guys! (sigh)

ADAM: Eve made me do it.

GOD: Eve, is this true?

EVE: Well, Serpent tricked me.

GOD: Serpent, as punishment you’ll spend eternity on your belly.

SERPENT: Whatever.

GOD: Eve, as punishment Adam will basically own you. You’ll be forced to have his children. The pain of giving birth will be crushing.

EVE: There’s no way I’m bringing babies into a world full of these bullshit apples.

GOD: Adam, as punishment you’ll eat nothing but Red Delicious for the rest of your days. But you can still rule over Eve.

ADAM: With all due respect, God, isn’t that a bit much? It’s not like we took any pleasure in eating those apples. They pretty much taste like worms cloaked in birch bark.

EVE: Yeah, God. Why would you even plant a tree like that?

ADAM: And didn’t you say eating from it would kill us anyway?

EVE: What’s the timing on that?

ADAM: End this suffering already!

GOD: [rolls eyes]