“The newly published ‘Twitter Files,’ touted as a bombshell report revealing the inner workings of the platform’s content moderation practices, showed the 2020 Biden presidential campaign asked Twitter to remove… nude photos and videos of the president’s son that had been leaked after he allegedly left his laptop at a Delaware repair shop. ” — Business Insider
I’ve taken a peek at a few of the Hunter Biden porn pics the GOP desperately wants me to see, and as the moral compass of this country, I’ll ask the obvious question on everyone’s minds: Are there more?
Because there’s the one pic where he looks sad and in need of love, and another with him in the bathtub looking like Mark Ruffalo but somehow even more pensive and rough. There’s the one of him getting a foot job, and one of him having a threesome in a mirrored room, and oh my, is it getting hot in here? Can someone open a window?
Anyway, all I’m saying is if Roger Stone has any more of these filthy photos, he should get in touch with my book club.
I admit the resurgence of these photos was a bit surprising, considering the midterm elections are over. By now, Republicans and the media are usually back to ignoring us suburban ladies. This is a good thing because I’m super busy with housework, carpooling, and hiding that Elf on the Shelf every fucking morning. I don’t have the time to get hot and bothered over porn pics. And by “hot and bothered,” I don’t mean how Javanka and their Saudi and China billions got me hot, of course. That was more like a rage-stroke heat. I’m talking about the thinking-about-Hunter-obsessively-during-my-scented-oil-bath kind of bothered I am now.
Republicans must have worked overtime to ensure we suburban white women embedded these sordid photos into our collective brains, and Hunter’s sweaty, tortured, three-day-stubble look pretty much ensured they’d succeed. He reminds me of Colin Farrell in The Beguiled, though Meghan from book club says he looks more like Chris Hemsworth in Spiderhead. Either way, those Hunter porn images are running in my head on an endless loop. So great job, GOP!
Come to think of it, didn’t they try to get us housewives to pay attention to these smutty photos back in 2020? I guess we were too busy choosing between the worst human being on earth and Joe Biden. But now, thanks to Elon, Matt Taibbi, and James Woods, the association between Joe and his son Hunter is firmly established in our collective consciousness. I can’t even think about the president and his accomplishments without wondering where Hunter is, what he might be doing, and if the love of a good, passionate yet stable and mild-mannered woman with heated seats in her Honda Odyssey might be just the thing to save him.
Look, I get why the GOP is trotting out this scandal now, seeing as how their party leader is hosting Nazis, stealing classified documents, and talking about terminating the Constitution. I mean, the president’s son used to take drugs, which is a huge thing, and also just like millions of other Americans who are struggling with addiction. And to make this scandal even more damning, Joe Biden is on record as being a loving father, poignantly telling his wayward son how much he loves him. So for sure this whole episode is going to make us think twice about our president, and also three or four hundred times about sad, beautiful Hunter.
Well, these Christmas cookies aren’t going to bake themselves, so I’d better get back to my suburban women’s work. But know this: If Joe Biden does run for president in 2024, I will remember the images of Hunter Biden that the Republicans worked so hard to get into the public record. They will stay with me for a long time. When I next cast my vote, I will absolutely be taking these steamy, sexy Hunter porn pics into consideration, and I might even reflect on how they mean jack shit in the grand scheme of American politics and how I’m beyond tired of the GOP trying to manipulate me away from what really matters. And then I’ll get the scented oils ready for a nice, hot bath.