If we’ve met, you’ve probably categorized me as another unfortunate victim of schizophrenia, severe ADHD, or dementia. (Put that down!) But the truth is (Stop running!) I don’t have an illness. (Where are you?) I have kids. (Let go of my arm!)

I confess that in the past I’ve thought something was wrong with me. (Get back here!) At a minimum, I thought I had obsessive-compulsive disorder. (No! No! No!) But it turns out I legitimately need to wash my hands all the time. (You’re too far!) And I genuinely need to count to three before anything gets done in my house. (1, 2… 2½… 2 ¾!) For a while I even thought I had tourettes. (Where are you manners!) But it turns out I just step on toys more often than the average person. (Not again, Dammit!)

I wish we could get to know each other better. (Time for bed!) I would love to know it’s still possible to have a conversation without (I mean it this time!) interruption. What was I trying to tell you? (Don’t touch that!) I’m just saying that I can’t be myself right now. (It’s gonna break!) I need to be a parent. (That’s it!) And I’m okay with that. (No dessert!)

Will you tell people about me? (I can’t hold you right now!) Let them know I still exist. (The neighbors are watching!) I’m happy. (I’m going to lose it!) Tell them my story. (You can’t bring that animal home!) Tell them we should totally hang out it in about 20 years. (I’m waiting!) They would like me. (Don’t kick each other!) But right now I need my kids to like me. (Do you want me to run away?) At least listen to me. (Why aren’t you listening!) Because I love them. (That’s it! We’re done here!)

I’ve already forgotten your name. (Where is your other shoe?) You don’t need to tell me. (Where did you get those scissors!) It’s easier this way. (I’m not telling you again!) I need to go. (Do you need to go potty?) I have to lose another staring contest with my toddler. (Watch where you’re going!) He doesn’t blink when I tell him it’s time to go to bed. (Night-night time!)

(Sigh.)

Why am I always talking to myself? (Stop acting crazy!)