Hi there, I’m the 19th… What?… Can you hear me now?… No, I’m fine at the back. No worries, I can scream. Better?… Good. As I was saying, I’m the 19th cupholder in a Subaru Ascent and people tell me I’m a very big deal. I just don’t like all the attention (dramatic pause, sly smile) who am I kidding? I love it. I know, I know I’m worth all the hype.
I’m rare like a white peacock eating purple carrots at the birth of a second rainbow in the glowing forest rare. I’m peerless, life-altering, a symbol of completeness.
I don’t want to hide behind false humility anymore. I’m magnificent, glorious, and it’s not my fault that I’m this attractive. I mean, there’s no fun in my playing small so that all other cars with their sad number of cupholders don’t feel self-conscious around me. Poor them. If anything I urge them to learn something from my being this significantly great.
Without me, this car would only have 18 cupholders. As we both know, 18 is not even a prime number. I am. I am the eighth prime number. You think it’s a coincidence that this car is designed to transport 8 passengers?
How many cars have you seen that have 19 cupholders? Let me rephrase, how many cars other than the Subaru Ascent have you seen that have 19 cupholders? (silence)… That’s right, that’s exactly what zero sounds like.
I’m also a great leader and an exceptional team player. Why else do you think I’d take the last row and allow two other cupholders to be with me? Not only is it a strategic placement for my much prayed for long life; it also makes the other cupholders respect me more. Respect is earned not demanded, and I believe in leading by example. I want them to feel I’m like them. Even though I’m better.
Some naysayers will tell you that there only 9 cupholders in the Subaru Ascent and the remaining 10 are bottle holders. I can punch them in the face if I want but I won’t because I control my emotions, not the other way around. I forgive them.
Milton knew what he was talking about when he said what’s in a name? (pause)… Of course, I know he didn’t say it. That’s exactly my point. What’s in a name? I’m both a cupholder and a bottle holder. You can even fold a magazine or a newspaper and keep it inside me. Ta-da — now I’m a magazine holder. You can keep loose change, gum, a flashlight, an extra charger, and whatnot too. Once you start using me properly there’s no limit to your or my potential. Mostly mine. Because I’m that versatile.
Of course, it’s my intention that you CANNOT find me easily. But if you look for me with your full heart, you SHALL find me, in the third row, on the passenger side, waiting for YOU. I’m not saying I’m a god. But am I not god-like? You tell me. Am I not elusive yet ever-present? Am I not beyond human imagination? Am I not there when you really need me? When things go haywire and you close your eyes and think of me, don’t you smile and know everything will be all right now?