You’ve probably seen me engulfing your rear-view mirror. Or maybe you spotted me swerving in and out of stand-still traffic. Or you just noticed me hurtling by in the emergency lane. However we know each other, allow me to reintroduce myself: I’m the average driver on the road right now, and I’m out of my fucking mind.
Let me paint you a picture: you’re driving home from work, using the middle lane, and going just a few miles per hour over the speed limit. What could go wrong? Oh, buddy, let me tell you: I could go wrong. I’ll come out of nowhere, doing ninety-five in a fifty-five, slam on the brakes, and tailgate you like we’re in Mad Max. “Witness me!” I’ll scream as I veer into the left lane and slam so hard on the gas that your clothes smell like burnt rubber when you get home. I’m pretty much every other driver on the road right now, and I’m a goddamn menace to society.
Do I use turn signals? Never. Unless I’m not turning, and I just want to confuse the shit out of you. Then, always.
Do I slow down at yellow lights? Absolutely not. I speed up. Green means go, yellow means go faster, red means you didn’t go fast enough, and now I’m going to lay my entire upper body on the horn while I sit behind you, seething that I have to wait at a traffic light for thirty extra seconds.
Do I at least drive inside my lane? No way. To me, those lines on the road are less like rules and more like suggestions. I like to go two and two: two tires in each lane. It’s the Noah’s Ark method of driving, and I’m the goddamn flood.
My driving is enough to make you wonder: “Should we even have cars at all?” The usual answer is: no, they’re terrible for the planet, so probably not. But the answer for me, specifically, is: dear god abso-fucking-lutely not.
Maybe you’re not a fellow motorist. Maybe you ditched your car in favor of a bike. Good for you—you’re doing your part to save the world. I’m not! I’m pumping hot gas into the air from my death machine while I give you less than zero room on the road. I’m a typical driver on the road right now, and I’m an actual monster.
Are you just trying to walk across a busy street to get home? Good luck with that, asshole. If there’s no light, I’m not stopping. If there is a light, I’m stomping on the goddamn gas.
So next time you’re out in your car, or riding your bike, or trying to walk across the street, just remember to look both ways, and then look every other possible way you can think of, and then petition the city to get rid of cars or require annual road tests or something—because I’m the average driver on the road right now, and I’m out of my fucking mind.