“Is MoviePass the greatest deal in entertainment or the most astonishing scam in years?” — Victor Luckerson, The Ringer, May 7, 2018
Dear valued subscriber,
We wanted to let you know we’ve updated our terms of use. Effective immediately you’ll no longer be able to use MoviePass to purchase tickets to movies.
Also, just a heads up, we’re using the accounts associated with everyone’s memberships to borrow some money. It turns out movies cost money to go see and we didn’t realize that when we started MoviePass. We guess because you weren’t paying money to see the movies, somebody else has to and it looks like that’s going to be us. So it sounds like when your friends were asking, “How does MoviePass work if nobody’s paying?” and you said, “The theaters only make money from popcorn or something” but you didn’t really know or care how it worked… it sounds like your friends were probably asking the right questions.
Also, if you saw a movie using MoviePass then you have to erase it from your memory because technically you didn’t pay so you’re not supposed to know what happened. And the lady from Sony was really mean to us on the phone so we gave her all your personal data. Actually, now that we’re thinking about it, maybe we should have sold the data instead of giving it away. Shoot. Do you think they’d pay us for it now? Probably too late, huh.
Also, we got a soda from the vending machine but it got stuck so we put our hand inside to get it but then our hand got stuck. Then the fireman was mean and said, “Just let go of the soda.” But we got to see a fire engine so that part was cool.
Let’s see. There was something else.
Oh, yeah, and there are warrants out for all of your arrests. I guess we kind of fudged up some of the logistics of how this system would work and you’re now all — what’s the term? — accomplices? Technically? It has something to do with the weird way that the law works, which was another thing we probably should have looked into more. So, yeah, starting next week anyone with MoviePass is going to be rounded up with big dogcatcher nets and you’ll be put into a truck and taken to prison. At least we think that’s how arrests work but we can double check.
Also, the other day we stepped on a broom and the broom handle flew up off the ground and hit us in the face. We stumbled backward a bit, stepped into a bucket where our foot got trapped, and then that made us fall against a wall where a painting dropped onto our head. The thing is, our head went clear through the canvas to the other side where a bull’s rear end had been painted and so it made it look like our face was the bull’s rear end. Then people laughed and the museum lady was mean.
Another thing is that your MoviePass card is going to self-destruct. We forget when, but basically, it’s going to explode in your pocket. Not a big explosion but enough to hurt a little bit. Actually, thinking about it, we’re realizing that might happen when you’re in prison so you should throw the card away now so it doesn’t blow up in your plastic evidence baggie. That way it won’t ruin your other stuff in case you ever get out of prison.
Thank you,
The MoviePass Team
P.S. For a limited time, your friends can use the referral code “MOVIEBUFF” when signing up to get an annual membership for only $3.99.