I’m attorney Horace McMorris. Have you been injured due to the dangerous interactive billboards of me, Attorney Horace McMorris?

Then call me, Horace McMorris, and together, we’ll get YOU (and me) the MONEY that YOU (we) DESERVE.

Let’s face it—personal injury attorneys with tacky billboards are a dime a dozen. But only one attorney’s got roadside advertising that’s so distracting it causes accidents: Horace McMorris. And only one attorney’s got the guts to take him on: Horace McMorris.

So CALL ME so we can SUE ME and GET YOU PAID and GET ME PAID and TAKE ME DOWN.

Did you drive your vehicle into a ditch thanks to my IT’S HIGH TIME YOU CALL HORACE billboard, featuring me, wearing dreadlocks and hippie sunglasses and hitting a bong, with so much smoke billowing from my mouth and onto the interstate that your field of vision was entirely obscured?

Join the other 2,500 who did the same and LAWYER UP with HORACE. And you’re WELCOME for the CONTACT HIGH.

Trust me—I know my way around the legal system: I’m currently the target of several hundred pending class-action suits, whose plaintiffs include the American Pyrotechnics Guild, the island nation of Tuvalu, and a small but vocal minority of the Denver Broncos. But jokes on them cuz I’m pretty sure no one can sue you if you sue yourself first.

Reverse double jeopardy? Quadruple jeopardy? I don’t know the EXACT TERM, but it’s DEFINITELY REAL.

Did you find yourself stuck in the median after hitting an oil slick created by my JOIN THE PAYOUT PIPELINE billboard, complete with a miniature oil derrick spewing Valvoline all over the road? Was the oil slick on fire, in keeping with my original vision for the ad? If it wasn’t, don’t you think Lamar Outdoor Advertising should be held liable?

Let’s SUE ME, then use the payout to SUE LAMAR.

Trust me, there’s no attorney out there who’s better qualified:

  • I’ve got smarts—I graduated from one of Nebraska’s law schools.
  • I’ve got expertise—no one is more equipped to sue me than me, because I am me.
  • I’ve got grit—I graduated from one of Nebraska’s law schools.

MY BROTHER says it’s a FAKE SCHOOL, but it has a FACEBOOK PAGE so MAKE THAT MAKE SENSE, NORRIS.

Did you wind up ass-over-end because you had the bajeebles scared out of you by that fake roadside grave ad? The one where a museum-grade wax sculpture of me is suddenly illuminated by a spotlight, standing next to twelve rainbow polka-dot crosses in the ground, with a thought bubble coming off my head that says, DEAR GOD, HELP ME AVENGE THE TRUCK DRIVER THAT RAN OVER THAT CAR FULL OF CLOWNS?

They were on their way to be BAPTIZED, so it’s even SADDER than you THOUGHT.

I will stop at nothing to get what we deserve. You won’t believe how hard I’m going to sue myself! People keep asking me if there’s a legal precedent, and I’m like, I don’t know. Who am I, William Rehnquist?

I’m ALMOST POSITIVE I am NOT William REHNQUIST.

Were you dangerously distracted by my Memento-inspired billboard, wherein my giant mechanical arms open my trench coat, revealing my nude body covered in tattoos of my office’s phone number? Was it just then that you collided with, say, a chicken truck? Or was it miles later, lost in your own tortured ruminations as you tried to work out how my genitals could have come to look like that?

Hire me as YOUR ATTORNEY and I will GLADLY CLARIFY THOSE GENITALS.

How is this going to work? Well, if we win, then we get paid. And I’ll have to pay, but I’m paying myself, so I think that’s okay? And if I lose, I have to pay you and me, but in the other direction, I guess? So I still win, because I lose? Do I have that right?

Act NOW! Call Horace McMorris—THE LEGAL OUROBOROS.

[For more information, call 1-87-SUEMEPLZ or visit www. HorrisMcMorrisClassof91CollegeofNebraskaUniversity.com]