"President Trump said on Thursday morning that he supports legislation that would protect young undocumented immigrants from deportation… [contradicting] his own Twitter posts early Thursday morning when he said, “no deal was made last night on DACA.” — New York Times, 9/14/17

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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages… Come one, come all for the show of a lifetime!

Maximilian’s Magnificent Traveling Circus is pleased (no, thrilled!) to introduce its latest spectacular performer! Hailing all the way from an emotionally withholding childhood in Queens, this next act has spent a lifetime learning how to astound, baffle, and AMAZE! So now, ladies and gentlemen, give a huge round of applause for our next act…

The Incredible Flip-Flopper!

Yes, folks! You’ve all heard the rumors, but look out… Because he’s real. He’s unpredictable. And he’s in this very room! So please, stand aghast and astonished at he juggles his poorly-conceived immigration policies. (Notice how he balances ever-so-carefully on the tightrope between outright racism and a 35% approval rating!). And then, right as it looks as if he might plummet into the pit of impeachment, get ready for his signature move…

The Incredible Flip-Flop!

Tremendous! The man is simply astounding!!! But what’s that, you say? How does he do it? How can the Incredible Flip-Flopper unveil an APPALLING immigration policy one day, and then meet with Democrat leaders to BAFFLINGLY renege on his earlier statements, and then immediately tweet out at 3 A.M. (WAY TOO EARLY!) that this meeting didn’t change his mind, and then MERE HOURS LATER announce that it actually did change his mind and that he now supports new DACA legislation!

You won’t BELIEVE these flip-flops!

Ladies and gentlemen, please cheer for his acrobatic feats of bad logic and aggrandizement! Gasp at how easily he can justify his reversals! Hyperventilate at the fact that, apparently, there are NO NEGATIVE RAMIFICATIONS for anything he says! Does this new immigration deal mean that he’ll take a milder stance on the border wall? Will there still be a government shut-down? Is he a Democrat now? Will his misguided, poorly-researched statements ever come back to haunt him?

We’re all living in a nightmare world where words have no value anymore!

And if you’re hungry for more, don’t worry! The Incredible Flip-Flopper comes with a whole coterie of flip-flopping freaks, such as:

  • The Stupendously Spineless House Speaker (HOW DOES HE CONTORT HIS WORLDVIEW THAT EASILY???)
  • The Bewilderingly Bland Son-In-Law (HE’S LIKE BREAD IF BREAD WAS HUMAN!)
  • The Silver-Tongued, Silver-Haired Second-In-Command (FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THOUGHT THAT THE BAD GUY IN THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME WASN’T RELIGIOUS ENOUGH!)
  • Steve Bannon (I ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW WHO’S SIDE HE’S ON ANYMORE!)
  • And literally millions of equally outspoken supporters!

The Incredible Flip-Flopper flip flops all over this big top!

Now, I can tell that some children in the audience have gotten a little scared. So to all you boys and girls here at Maximilian’s Magnificent Traveling Circus, remember that you have absolutely no reason to be afraid! The fantabulously Incredible Flip-Flopper may look dangerous, but HE’S AS TAME AS A KITTY CAT! A kitty cat who, incidentally, could (once again) change his mind at any second and allow 800,000 boys and girls to be deported!

Oh shit, this is real life!

So please folks, make some noise for these flippable, floppable, whiplash-inducing antics! Because whether it comes to immigration, health care, environmental protection, human rights, the opioid crisis, prison reform, or even just whether or not he owns a bathrobe, the Incredible Flip Flopper is guaranteed to delight, confound, and dismay for years to come!

Ugh. I’m so tired.