Ladies, there’s something I have to tell you. It’s time to turn things on their heads. I’m here to proudly report that I’ve stopped letting guys write the scores of their fantasy football teams on my kneecaps during sex — and I’ve never been happier.
For years, I was just like you. I’d go home with a guy, start fooling around, and then before long he’d say, “Hey baby, can I write the score of my fantasy football team on your kneecaps,” and I’d reluctantly agree. I never really wanted to, not least of all because they usually wrote it in Sharpie, and boy is that difficult to get out. Also, I don’t support football because it’s a violent sport, and a Sharpie is always way saltier than you want it to be. One day I realized: I don’t have to be doing this. I can say “no” to letting my kneecaps get covered in purple Sharpie. And it changed my life.
A man recently complained that it was unequal in the bedroom because he let me write an abbreviated version of Hillary Clinton’s What Happened on his inner thigh, and I didn’t let him write the scores of his fantasy football teams on my kneecaps. To that I say: I didn’t ask if I could write an abbreviated version of Hillary Clinton’s What Happened on your inner thigh, Tim. You offered. And if you wanted something in return, you should have been up front about that in the beginning. And honestly, as much as I enjoyed writing an abbreviated version of Hillary Clinton’s What Happened on your inner thigh, what I really wanted was to write my fan fiction for NBC’s This Is Us in your armpit, although I’ll be the first to admit I was shy about telling you what I wanted.
When I say I don’t let guys write the scores of their fantasy football teams on my kneecaps during sex, the response I often get is, “Oh, you think you’re so hot that you don’t have to let guys write the scores of their fantasy football teams on your kneecaps during sex?” You know what, though? I don’t have to be Mila Kunis to pick and choose what I do and don’t let guys write on my kneecaps. I’m a smart, strong, beautiful woman, and you’re lucky just to be having sex with me at all, whether or not you get to write the scores of your fantasy football team on my kneecaps during sex.
For those women out there who do genuinely enjoy it when guys write the scores of their fantasy football teams on their kneecaps during sex, I salute you. But I’ve never been one of those women, and I regret spending my 20s pretending I was. At my first sleepover in 6th grade, I learned how guys sometimes want to write the scores of their fantasy football teams on girls’ kneecaps, and I was completely repulsed by the idea. To this day, I still am. I mean, if you’re going to write the scores of your fantasy football team on my kneecaps during sex, at least trim them a little bit, don’t do the full season. I paid $80 for a bikini wax for this date, okay? You can leave out your kicker and team defense totals at least, Ben. Also, the last few times I started letting a guy write the scores of his fantasy football team on my kneecaps it took FOREVER and he gave up in the middle, and who wants to be with a quitter?