Mike Evans, WR
A lot of times it happens on Labor Day. I’ve heard that from tons of guys and that’s usually how it is for me. Around Labor Day anyways. It’s like a draft. I think the “owners” even call it a draft. I’ve already been drafted before into the NFL. But this… this is not the NFL.
Austin Ekeler, RB
We call them owners because we don’t know what else to call them. Gods? Demons?
George Kittle, TE
It’s a really lousy time for it to happen, this schism with reality, because we’re getting ready for the NFL season, and it’s about to start, and then—bam—sucked into the vortex portal.
Alvin Kamara, RB
Someone called it the vortex portal a few years ago, some Manning, and it just stuck. It’s not like a physical space, it’s more like a feeling? A feeling of your soul being ripped from your body and your consciousness becomes two consciousnesses? And then you land somewhere else. But you don’t land, you just… emerge. Awaken. Does that make sense?
Stefon Diggs, WR
Psychologists would call it dissociation. Theologians would call it hell. The owners on the other side call it “Fantasy Football.” Not my fantasy, I’ll tell you that. Not my goddamn fantasy.
Marvin Harrison, WR (retired)
My son is entering the NFL this year, and he was the top receiver drafted, so I know he’s headed for HI IN A FANTASY LEAGUE I’M DAD.
Baker Mayfield, QB
That’s really what they call it. No abbreviations or acronyms or anything. HI IN A FANTASY LEAGUE I’M DAD. All caps.
Marvin Harrison Jr., WR
The stories my dad told me about going to the other side made me almost give up football. My own upcoming trip through the vortex portal might finally make me give it up for real. [Chokes up.] I am so scared.
Aaron Jones, RB
So once you go through the vortex portal, you emerge on a kind of shimmery football field, and you’re already wearing the uniform of these… fucking… ridiculous teams. “Rushing the Pass” was who I played for last year. The rumor was that the owner was a fan of the band Rush. So on top of the rift in the reality of being, I had that humiliation to deal with.
Garrett Wilson, WR
I don’t know who I’ll end up with this year. Last year it was “CTE Squad.” Like we’re all going to get chronic transcranial encephalopathy. Which just fed a bunch of anxiety right into my head that was already full of existential horror. Thanks, owner. And I thought, why name a team that? How is that going to sell tickets? But there aren’t tickets. There aren’t fans. Or refs or cheerleaders. You just play charades of games in this luminous void. Great fantasy, right?
Derrick Henry, RB
It’s cold there and it’s—I guess “sparkly” is the right word? It always smells like mint.
Brock Purdy, QB
I was a Christian until I started going into this other world. But how could God exist and love us AND create such a shrieking nightmare of a location? I feel nothing now. I am nothing.
Trevor Lawrence, QB
I’ll try to explain how it works, not sure I can. You’re playing in these games but another version of you—a second you, the other half of your soul torn asunder—continues to play in the NFL. And you unconsciously mirror them… him… me. But it’s different. So I might complete a pass to Christian Kirk in the NFL but I’m throwing to DeVonta Smith in this spirit realm. But! In this realm, DeVonta gets the stats even though NFL DeVonta is catching it from Jalen Hurts. Same stats. I get migraines when I think about it. I always have migraines. My human relationships collapse annually.
Leonard Williams, DE
Playing defense, I have it a bit easier than the offense guys. With us, the whole defense emerges on the other side of the vortex portal together. So at least I know people when I get there and I’m used to working with them. But sometimes we just all disappear, which is eerie. Because we were cut? But it’s also kind of a relief because our souls are reunified in the NFL.
Patrick Mahomes, QB
I’ve seen entire defenses vanish before my eyes. You have the Seattle defense on the field one moment and then they’re just gone. Then, out of nowhere, the Titans defense just materializes there in this luminescent void where we quasi-exist. It happens with offensive players, too, but individually, so it’s not as jarring.
Amari Cooper, WR
Who are these owners? Why do they do this? Why do they name their teams things like Kelce Hotel when Travis isn’t even on that team? Why are there only twelve teams in the whole league, so someone like Jared Goff ends up on the bench? And there is no actual bench. Jared just vanishes.
Jared Goff, QB
It’s kind of insulting that I don’t actually play many games, but it’s a relief to cease being in that place, even if it happens only intermittently.
Raheem Mostert, RB
We’re always made whole again in time for the NFL playoffs. The “fantasy season” ends, and we don’t have to deal with it until next fall. When a guy finally retires, the real reason is usually that he has finally just fucking snapped.
AJ Cole, P
See, this is why I’m a punter.