Let’s Make Abortion a Safe, Humane, Illegal Nightmare

A Wise and Informed Proposal to
Improve Female Health and
Ensure Feminine Suppression

Sadly, we are living in a morally depraved age. When you walk through the streets of any American city at rush hour, and you see people sprinting for trains, cursing at one another, and pushing their way into cabs with no regard for each other, you can’t help but acknowledge the following fact: There aren’t enough people in this country.

The problems don’t stop there. Recent polls show that the United States is one of the least-happy developed countries on earth, and we suffer from a lack of community and familial bonds. Unfortunately, these problems disproportionately affect women because they are weak and lack basic common sense. We also know that women face prejudice at higher rates than men, and that they tend to overreact to it due to their irrational disposition.

It is time someone took female health and happiness seriously. It is time we treated women justly by giving them a purpose that aligns with Biblical dictates. I am here to say it is time we made abortion a safe, humane, illegal nightmare.

I have daughters who I want to grow up to be the best version of what I allow them to be. I have sisters and female friends and wives and mothers who should be able to determine their lives within a certain narrow range. I want equality for some and elaborate shaming procedures for others. That is the only way to achieve full and true equality.

With that in mind, I am proposing a plan that will change access to abortion in the following ways:

• A woman seeking an abortion will be forced to watch an ultrasound of her fetus. She must locate the heart and clearly point to it, even if it’s too small to see.

• Doctors and nurses at clinics that perform abortions will be required to wear scary masks and, occasionally, scream for no reason.

• A woman seeking an abortion must put $300 in cash on a surgical table and light it on fire.

• As part of the state’s sexual educational program, girls in high school will be required to carry a headstone around with them for a day to see how an abortion really feels.

• Clinics that offer abortions must pay a small, $35 million tax. This will go to subsidizing schools, and by schools we mean American corporations that are now technically based in Barbados.

• Clinics that offer abortions must not be within 500 feet of any churches, but must be within 400 feet of a confessional booth.

With these policies, which smartly combine fear, shaming, embarrassment, needless economic burdens, paradoxical regulations, and good old fashioned threats, I believe we can return to the days of societal contentment and shared purpose we saw in the pre-Roe v. Wade years of 1966-1973.

The benefits of this plan are myriad. We will keep women out of the workforce long enough to ensure that difficult, complicated jobs like police office, banker, and doctor are held by men as God intended. Women will soon find that the shackles of motherhood aren’t shackles at all, but are long awaited rip cords for the young, abused, and economically disadvantaged. Finally, because some clinics will be forced to close, we might even facilitate a few STD outbreaks — just fruits for immoral behavior.

Now, some of my colleagues have disagreed with my proposal publicly and loudly. You have probably heard their arguments. They believe that women should carry a heavy sign around their neck that reads, I HAD AN ABORTION. PLEASE PELT ME WITH ORANGES SO THAT I MAY LEARN. While undoubtedly well-intentioned — it is certainly important for women’s friends, family, and employers to know their private medical history — we believe these steps go too far. Women are much too weak to carry a sign for very long, and oranges would fracture their frail, brittle bones. We must take a more realistic and humane approach.

I have listened to my fellow Americans. I have read Rob White’s letters to the Indianapolis Star. I have listened to Mark Pritner’s voicemails. I have deciphered the scrawl of Gary Tunder. With the input of people like these, I have come up with my plan.

I feel confident this proposal will become law because it’s right, because it’s just, because people are scared to speak out about this issue due to threats from far right-wing domestic terrorists, and because the state and national press won’t cover this issue, or if they do, it will be in such a cursory and misleading way that the bill will appear to be some combination of harmless and inevitable, even though it’s neither. Though the movement to spread freedom for women through restricted choices has suffered a loss in the Supreme Court, take heart in the knowledge that we are very well-funded, and we aren’t going away.

Know that you can trust me. This bill doesn’t affect me directly because I am a man, so I can approach this sensitive subject with objectivity, righteousness, and rationality.