To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: New team member
Dear staff:
I am happy to announce that Cathy Womack will be joining us as our new Assistant Director of Special Projects, effective next Monday. Please join me in welcoming Cathy and in helping her acclimate to her new position. Thanks, everybody!
Bill
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: Cathy has arrived
Dear staff:
Just a reminder that Cathy Womack officially started her new job with us as of 9 a.m. this morning—three full hours ago. I know we’re up against some really punishing deadlines, but take a minute out of your day and shoot Cathy an email. Thanks. (And, again, glad to have you on the team, Cathy!)
Bill
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: Cathy still here, still waiting
Dear staff:
Just checked in with Cathy. I have to say, she hasn’t exactly been run over by the welcome wagon. You know, our space isn’t THAT large, and most of you walk right by her office going to and from the restroom. Is it too much to ask for you to pop your head in and say something like, “Nice to meet you, Cathy. You settling in?” Because Cathy had lunch alone today.
Did you?
Bill
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: Is Cathy some sort of deviant?
Dear staff:
Attached is a picture of Cathy that I just snapped in her office. If she looks a little uncomfortable, it’s no doubt because she’s been put in the position of pleading with her colleagues for the most basic courtesy. Does she look like a threat to you, some sort of criminal? If she does, let me know and I’ll call security. But I just think Cathy is surrounded by coworkers who have somehow forgotten what it feels like to be a new employee, lost and scared and desperate for connection.
When we first met, I told her we had “a pretty great crew.” You goddamn people made a liar out of me.
Bill
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: k_womack@bizservcorp.org
Subject: THIS IS KATHY. EVERYTHING’S OK!!!
Hey everybody,
I just wanted to chime in and let everyone know that I’m settling in just fine! I know we’re super-super-busy, and I’m sure I’ll meet all you guys soon enough. Thanks for the multiple introductions, Bill, but again, everything’s OK. Really.
Thanks!
Kathy (it’s actually spelled this way, with a K)
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: Poor, broken Kathy
Dear staff:
In all my years as Executive Vice President, I have never claimed to know how much sorrow the human heart can bear before it bursts and drowns its owner from the inside. But I would not be surprised if Kathy Womack has borne too much, in too short a time.
It’s 4:30. At this point, if someone dropped by Kathy’s office to say welcome aboard, would it even make a difference?
Maybe firing everyone would make a difference, though, if not for Kathy, then for the next person. How about that?
Bill
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: k_womack@bizservcorp.org
Subject: OH MY GOD, PLEASE DO NOT FIRE ANYONE, BILL!
YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THIS! I’M FINE, I’M FINE, I’M FINE!!!
Kathy
To: allstaff@bizservcorp.org
From: b_snyder@bizservcorp.org
Subject: So senseless
And so cruel.
Bill
Note: Bizservcorp Executive Vice President Bill Snyder was last seen leaving his office five weeks ago, shortly after sending the preceding email.