Date: Sun, 1 Oct 2000
From: kendall Hudson
Subject: Gabe Hudson
Dear McSweeney’s,
My mother said to tell you she very much enjoyed the message you left on our voicemail, and that it was a great comfort, and that she and my father would call you when they return from their trip. They flew to Paris a few days ago in an effort to “get some perspective on everything.” Obviously this has had a huge impact on all of our lives, and I am currently staying in Austin, having recently decided to take the fall semester off. I would also like to take this opportunity to acknowledge the many many condolence notes which have poured in from McSweeney’s readers everywhere. In particular, I would like to cite one Erica Martin of San Francisco, who wrote a song called, “Gabe Was a Good Boy and the World Needs More Gabes,” and then performed it on videotape and mailed it to us. The violin sequence was exquisite Erica.
In fact, the incoming notes have been so numerous that I have taken the liberty of securing a separate email address. So if anyone has a Gabe story they would like to share with our family, or any words at all, you can now send them to: pleasedontbesad@hotmail.com
At your request, I also went through some of Gabe’s papers in an effort to find something which might be of use to you. The following is transcribed from the first two pages of a little leather journal I found which he had titled Power Thought Notebook:
1. Story about a bee that thinks he’s a swordfish and drowns.
2. Today, for the very first time, I was struck by the fact that the word pelt rhymes with smelt. Find other connections. Maybe something important here.
3. After the nurse spoke to our home-room about the four basic food groups I put my dog Rags on a steady diet of carrots, because I figured eventually his sight would get so good he’d be able to read books. I liked the idea of a dog that could read stories to me. One night Rags was lying at the foot of the bed when he suddenly looked up and said, “Call me Ishmael.” My mind went blank for a sec, and then I felt something wash over me and I blurted out, “Ruff ruff ruff.”
4. This morning a bum told me that clouds tasted like bread. Oh Wisdom, from what mysterious sources do you issue forth!
5. Even as I jot down this line time goes on.
As you can see, Gabe was clearly in pursuit of something “big.” It is always inspiring to witness a zealous mind fully engaged in the rapture of itself. A mind, if you will, that is on fire, with no water in sight. This was the brother I had looked up to for as long as I could remember. My brother who lived life to the fullest, and so I hereby say that we should not mourn my brother’s loss but instead celebrate his life, because his life was nothing if not that: a celebration of life.
Yours,
Kendall Hudson
Date: Sun, Oct 1 2000
From: Sarah M. Balcomb
Subject: I deeply apologize for what I’m about to do
Dear McSweeney’s:
Did you know it takes the same strength to open a bag of potato chips as it does to rip off a human ear?
Briefly yours,
Sarah M. Balcomb
Date: Mon, 2Oct 2000
From: Benjamin Cohen
Subject: Actually, John Warner, yes. No,Shane Wilson.
Dear McSweeney’s,
Shane Wilson, there are horizontal, open-spaced toasters. Having myself made a toasted cheese sandwich today, in just such a horizontally-aligned kitchen implement — my General Electric Brand Toast-R-Oven — I can attest to the ease of preparation and magnificence of taste of such a sandwich (perhaps because mine combined three kinds of cheeses: Swiss, cheddar, and sharp jack).
Carry on John Warner. There will be no consequences today.
(And I put a few tomato slices on it also. But these were added post-toasting.)
Without hunger,
Ben
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 22:
From: Kate Wyatt
Mr. J. Douglas K,
if that is your real name and I must say I have my doubts. I took a moment to visit your turf, and I have come to the conclusion that you are make-believe. If I have reached this conclusion in error, I will stuff both my fists in my mouth and howl. This, Sir, is no idle wager. I lack fingers. I type with my face. I sometimes wonder about the furry animals. You know, Mr. K. The kittens.
Kate Wyatt
Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000
Subject: a desperate plea on behalf of another
From: whitney pastorek
Dear McSweeney’s,
See, now this is the third letter I’ve written you involving Bon Jovi. I’m just trying to get the kid’s name out there, dammit, there’s no need to be so exclusionary.
walkin’ these streets, a loaded six string on my back,
thanks so much
whitney pastorek
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Five Proverbs from Madagascar
Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2000
Dear McSweeney’s:
1. When one does not like someone or something, one say bad things about him or it.
2. It is by nostalgia if I come to see you and I receive stones.
3. The love of money is the feathers of the tail of the wizards.
4. The reprimands of the parents are like the kicks of a bull, if they hit you, they kill you, if they do not hit you, they make you lose consciousness.
5. Do not love as you love a door: you like it and yet you rush it.
Sincerely,
Mike Topp
Date: Thu, 05 Oct 2000
From: Matthew Mitchell
Subject: gak
“(Author’s Note: I performed this piece on Sept. 27, 2000, at the Guthrie Theater, in front of a crowd of 500 well-adjusted, sensible residents of Minneapolis/St. Paul, who comprised the inaugural audience for A McSweeney’s Home Companion.”
So, Mr. Pollack, they “comprised” the inaugural audience, did they? Again, you wound me. And the English language. What kind of man would wound both me and the English language with one misused word?
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Monday Night Football
Dear McSweeney’s:
My new great idea is that ABC should jack Dennis Miller from Monday Night Football and replace him with Jeff Johnson. How about it, readers?
Sincerely,
Mike Topp
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000
From: Liam Black
Subject: ãFlowery"
Dear Timothy,
I’ve gotten over my alarm at the term “flowery” being used to describe my writing. I enclose it in quotes because that’s how I view it, in my head.
I’m chalking that one up to lack of sleep, as I awoke this morning refreshed and more than able to confront such vast challenges as an unflattering(?) adjective flung my way.
With love for your available ear,
Liam Black
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000
From:Mike Topp
Subject: Rent
Dear McSweeney’s:
My landlord was bothering me about the rent. He said he was coming over. As he rang the doorbell, thousands upon thousands of black flies carrying elves flew out and settled upon him. He hit at the flies and tried to kill them, but the flies flew in great waves around him. Finally he turned and left. My landlord later told me he thought I was crazy, but then, he had some growing up to do.
Yours truly,
Mike Topp
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Sleepwalking
Dear McSweeney’s:
If you ever see somebody sleepwalking, don’t wake them up, like a lot of people do. Instead, that’s a good time to look through their stuff, because I bet you’d be really surprised.
Sincerely,
Mike Topp
Date: Sat, 30 Sep 2000
From: Posok Oubli
Subject: All Staff Breakfast Goodies!
Hi Everyone..Happy Friday!
Just to let you know that breakfast munchies will be served in Upper T-Rex for all staff on Wednesday, October 4th. Remember food is at 7:30am and the meeting starts promptly at 8am in Ricketson. Have a great weekend!
Mickey
Date: Sat, 07 Oct 2000
From: J. Robert Lennon
Subject: I Saw a Man Buy a Soiled McSweeney’s
Dear McSweeney’s,
I was at New York’s famous Gotham Book Mart a couple of weeks ago, waiting for the clerk to ring up my purchases (incl. the new novel by Magnus Mills, former McS contributor) when a man approached the counter with a copy of McS #4. I had noticed a pile in the back consisting of two shrink-wrapped, completely unadulterated copies, on top of which had sat this one, the one the man had chosen, which was a much-perused “display” copy, completely crushed and brown and soft, like a baby’s blanket, from contact with many hands, both inside and out. He asked how much and they told him $22, the full price. He willingly paid it, leaving the clean copies behind.
The Mills book was swell.
Yours,
J. Robert Lennon
Ithaca, NY
Date: Sat, 07 Oct 2000
From: Dan Kennedy
Subject: WALKING AWAY FROM THE PUNCHLINE
Dear McSweeney’s-
Last night I was walking home and I passed a man talking on a cellular telephone. He said, “I heard the funniest joke in the world today…”
Because I keep a pretty good pace on my walking around town, the only thing I know about the funniest joke is that it features a man with a sunburn visiting a prostitute.
I don’t get it-
Dan Kennedy
New York, New York.
Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000
From: Dan DeWeese
Subject: George Will
Dear McSweeney’s,
Did others see George Will’s suspiciously Lawrence Weschler-like convergence on today’s “This Week”? He linked a photo of Belgrade protesters to a couple different paintings, including Delacroix’s “Liberty Leading the People.” He, Sam Donaldson, and Sam Donaldson’s hair-do seemed very pleased with themselves. (When are George Will and Sam Donaldson not very pleased with themselves?) But they also didn’t have any conclusions to make about the convergence. Just a kind of intellectualized, “Yup! Shore look similar!”
Amateurs!
Should we let George know we’re aware that his insufferable “brilliance” is just half-assed appropriation of others’ ideas?
And is there any way we can make him stop talking about baseball?
Yours,
Dan DeWeese
Date: Sun, 8 Oct 2000
From: Gregory Purcell
Subject: A New Animal
Smokers, Non-Smokers Alike,
Last night I had a dream that I was driving around the country with my mother and sister. We stopped in a store where they sold pets. Inside of a large aquarium I saw a fat, brown animal, what I at first took to be a bulldog puppy. Then I saw a single, greenish horn protruding from its forehead. A rather greasy man came up from behind me and informed me that what I was looking at was the first ever hybrid between a toad and a dog. Then he quickly scooped it out of the aquarium and put it in my arms. The animal had a mouth that went all the way back to its miniscule ears, and when it hung open to let its obscenely long tongue droop out, I counted about 500 tiny, pointed teeth. It looked happy. Then it drooled on me. I woke up clutching myself.
Since I began wearing the patch to curb my smoking, I have had dreams like this every single night. It’s wonderful.
In Good Health,
Greg Purcell
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: 6th Floor Conference Room
Subject: 6th Floor Conference Room
Everyone please note that we have given up some of the space on the 6th floor, and as a result we no longer have a conference room on the 6th Floor.
Please keep in mind that we are operating with one true conference room. As a result, please be flexible. We may need to reprioritize scheduled meetings.
Thanks.
Ellen
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: my chair
Subject: my chair
Would the person who swapped my chair please return mine. Thank you.
Aaron Schneider
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: Tape dispenser & mouse pads…
Subject: Tape dispenser & mouse pads…
Good morning everyone!
Tape dispensers & mouse pads were ordered and received at the office about two weeks ago and most of them were recalled and returned to be replace by more attractive ones. We’re still missing two tape dispensers and one mouse pad.
Please return them to me as soon as possible.
Also note that the new supplies will be provided as soon as we can return the remaining ones.
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: oublioux
The three Reservations Specialists who took the highest number of calls in September 2000 are as follows:
Zbigniew Bzymek- 1484
Maria Stanko – 974
Kevin Palmer – 111
In September we sold 22 Museum Memberships. The highest seller was Nathan Woods.
Through careful monitoring we have determined that Elise Havemeyer wins the accuracy award again with only one mistake for the month of September.
Thanks everyone – and keep up the great work!
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: Cancellations in the High Plains
Howdy, Leval 200’s
I would like to make a standard procedure for cancelling school reservations.
Please fill out the purple sheet.
Please cancell the reservation.
Please put in the memo field, who called in to cancel, and why, and your initials.
If you are making a change only to the reservation, use the purple sheet, and write on it at the top in big letters, CHANGE ONLY.
If we all keep to these practices, and do the same thing every time, all will be well in the department.
Thank you for your support.
Carolee: )
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: 21st Floor – Fire Alarm System Testing
Subject: 21st Floor – Fire Alarm System Testing
Tomorrow, Thursday, September 21, at about 12:30 p.m. the Fire Department will be here to test the 20th floor fire alarm system with Fire Alarm Services (one of the building engineers will also be working with them). Because of the three floor alarm system the 21st floor will be part of this testing. The horns, speakers, and strobes will be activated and checked by Fire Alarm Services.
If you have a critical issue that would be disturbed by this testing please feel free to call the management office with any questions or concerns.
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: Missing Coffee
Bldg. Ops.
Dept. 16
Could whoever took the silver Starbucks coffee mug from the shelf near the freight loading dock please return it? We’ve been experiencing a lot of missing items lately and would greatly appreciate it if people would ask first before they take items.
Thanks,
Dave
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: Lower Level Storage Lockers
I need to find out about the storage lockers in the corridor off the hallway that leads from the 77th Street elevators to the staff cafeteria. Two are Membership’s. Does anybody know to whom the other two belong?
Mel Ivey
Membership Coordinator for Programs
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 2000
Subject: ring found
Subject: ring found
I found a ring next to the sink on the 11th floor.
—
Pat Casey
Art Director
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000
Subject: 11th Floor Bathrooms
Subject: 11th Floor Bathrooms
Someone letf the sink on in the 11th floor men’s room, and i found it almost overflowed.
I think this (and maybe the women’s bathroom sinks) will overflow if left on when you leave the bathroom, so please make sure you turn off the water before you leave the bathrooms.
Thanx,
Ronnie Stanley
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2000
Subject: refrigerator etiquette
Subject: refrigerator etiquette
A good rule to follow:
When there are BITE MARKS in a food item found in the fridge, that PROBABLY means that the item belongs to someone and you should leave it alone.
—C.
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000
From: Gillian Beebe
Subject: Michael Mitchell
Dear Michael Mitchell,
Did you know that Gak is the name of a band? Or maybe now a former band. Their original as in first as far as I know name was Ghost House, or Ghosthouse. They were wonderful. They used to play in my living room. Isn’t it funny how that word is almost loving? I once asked the bass player to show me the tips of his fingers. They were, amazingly, soft and supple like a baby’s. I was sure they would be callused and crusty with festering scabs. He played that thing so hard!
Listening closely,
Gillian
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000
From: rollo
Dear McSweeney’s,
This morning, as I ran across the street against the light trying to beat the oncoming traffic, I got stuck in one of those back-and-forth “shall we dance?” fake-outs with this guy who was running across the street in my direction. Only it was fast and frantic and we were actually running into each other and the big metal death cars were closing in.
Sincerely,
Rollo Romig
Date: Thu, 12 Oct 2000
From: Michael Brodeur
Subject: Big noodles
Dear McSweeney’s
I nearly choked on a big noodle today. I should be more careful, I know, but I was taken aback by the sudden entrance of what I think was Gene Shalit. Someone even said “Hey, Gene Shalit” and he said “Hello, how are you?” But I’m still not convinced.
Very possibly wrong,
Michael Andor Brodeur
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000
From: Mike Marlett
Subject: Neal Pollack’s underpants
Dear McSweeney’s,
Re: Sommer Browning’s 26 Sep 2000 problem:
I, for one, am grateful that Neal is wearing (blue) underwear. Still, as one of my friends remarked, what do you do with a poster like that? It’s funny, but you can’t really put it on the wall. But if you tuck it in the back of the closet or under the bed, some day your girlfriend, wife, children or mother will find it.
-Mike
Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2000 22:34:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: M Rosaura
Subject: I’m still mad at you
Dear McSweeney’s,
They say when you are drowning you can get confused about whether you are moving up towards the surface or down towards the bottom. They (the diving experts) advise you to look for air bubbles to find your way up.
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Bringing the News
Dear McSweeney’s:
I thought the old man was asleep when I reached his cabin in the woods with the letter, but it turned out that what I had taken for the old man was just a half-opened cardboard box which contained some styrofoam peanuts and a color TV.
Sincerely,
Mike Topp
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: The Tiny People
Dear McSweeney’s:
Can you imagine a race of people who aren’t any taller than four and a half feet? Nobody can.
Best,
Mike Topp
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Meditation
Dear McSweeney’s:
Meditation is about more than sitting at home in a dirty diaper.
Sincerely,
Mike Topp
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000
From: Karl Tobias Steel
Dear McSweeney’s:
It’s been a while since I last wrote. A lot has happened, but you don’t need to know about it.
I have a question. I read in the bathroom. I often read when I pee, generally magazines, sometimes books light enough to be held open with one hand. Yesterday, I was re-reading Nicholson Baker’s “U & I.” It’s not an ideal book for my purposes, as its paragraphs are too long to be consumed in 2 to 3 minute chunks. Regardless, I dropped the book in the toilet yesterday. By some blessed luck, this book, uncommonly small, did not fall completely into the toilet. It did not get damp. But if it had, what should I have done?
Years and years ago, too long ago to be as embarrassed as I am, still, I affected a fedora. This too I dropped in a toilet. It did get damp, but I liked the fedora too much, and wore it after it dried, knowing a micturated brim encircled my head.
Wondering if I’m okay,
Karl Steel
New York City
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000
Subject: Status update from Iowa City
Dear McSweeney’s,
I find myself vacillating between extremes. Are things just really horrible, and am I right to take such a bitter, defeatist view of human relationships—or is life a cheerful dream where flirtation and camaraderie are just delightfully omnipresent and tingling?
And another thing—Is it just me, or can I blame others as well?
Thanks in advance for the kind words of encouragement.
Leaving here soon, I am
Bill Fisher
Date: Mon, 23 Oct 2000
From: Sara Eve Roseman
Subject: An update
Dear McSweeney’s,
I just wanted to let everyone know that we’re fine. My job is still good and I like my co-workers. I’m still no thinner. But, other than some credit card debt, we’re doing well. Lucy’s paw seems to have healed on its own.
—Sara Eve Roseman
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000
From: Mike Topp
Subject: Dark Passage
Dear McSweeney’s:
The hiring of a lawyer is an important decision that should not be based solely upon advertisements. Before you decide, ask the lawyer or the law firm to send you free written information about the lawyer or law firm’s qualifications and experience.
Thank you,
Mike Topp
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000
Subject: Famous Dogs
Dear McSweeney’s,
Sometimes I look at my web page statistics to see what the people of our Internet Age have typed into search engines to randomly come across my page. Last week, I noticed someone had searched for the following in Google:
Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro are the names of a pair of dogs owned by which famous Indian
This is so very real that it nearly frightens me. I tried it out and my web page is the only one that comes up. I should note that in the text, none of these words (except for Al and Pacino, Robert and DeNiro) occurs together. Please, please hold me, for I need to be reassured of my sanity.
Searching for answers,
Marco Carbone
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000
From: mike smith
Subject: A new job at a jazz club where fortunately I have not yet received any permanently debilitating prank proposals that have rendered me forevermore unable to receive the millions of proposals I get every day via telephone, email and on the street without first questioning the sincerity of said proposals.
Dear McSweeney’s,
I often lie awake at night wondering why no one from McSweeney’s ever calls me. Granted, you don’t have my number..
I am aware that McSweeney’s is now publishing books. The following is a list of proposed topics that I am willing and ready to research if you are interested.
1)Salty bar snacks. (I will need a control group and a stretch limosine.)
Bye,
Mike
Date: 25 Oct 00
From: Peter Kuntz | Block address
Subject: Limn Cut Off
Dear McSweeney’s,
By my count, Michiko Kakutani has published two consecutive daily NYT book reviews without using some derivation of the term “limn.” Progress?
Date: 26 Thu, Oct 2000
From: Chris Eaton
Subject: yahoo.mcsweeneys.dabomb
Dear McSweeney’s,
Tim, buddy, just polished off my first McSweeney’s. Loved it. Ben Marcus is entirely remarkable. As are Lydia Davis and Steven the Irish setter and just about everyone excepting Rodney Rothman (although I wouldn’t mind getting a copy of The Rodney Rothman Holy Bible with the Word ‘Beget’ Replaced by the Phrase ‘Made Pitiless Love to Former Texas Governor Ann Richards, Resulting in.’ I recently sent you a short piece of fiction via your submissions email, but now I will write you another as you are so special and dear to me. Expect soon. Hoooooooo!
Chris Eaton
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 16:49:16 -0500
From: Anaheed Alani
Subject: Neal will be immediately preceded by David Gergen.
Dear McSweeney’s,
I was watching this hokey and great special about Bill Clinton on, like, A&E or something, and they interviewed a lot of people who know Bill Clinton, and one of them was David Gergen, and David Gergen said about BC (I’m paraphrasing), “He has a temper. But it’s very quick. He blows up and then it’s over. It’s almost … Italianlike. You know how they are, Italians? How they will blow up and get really mad and then they’ll, like, hug you right afterward.”
Someone should ask him about that at that Neal Pollack appearance.
—Anaheed Alani
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 18:01:45 -0400
Subject: FW: Help needed
Subject: Help needed
Can anyone please let me know how to fix this light over my head in 6th floor. Its driving me nuts. Too bright and hot.
thanks a lot,
sam
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000
From: Gregory Purcell
Subject: Wrong
Dear _______________,
The tissue paper I thought I was buying was called “Quilted Mortimer.” It’s true I was wrong—however, it gives one pause.
Clean,
Greg Purcell
Date: Sat, 28 Oct 2000
From: Dan Kennedy
Subject: HE’S STILL OUT THERE. SOMEWHERE.
Dear McSweeney’s,
I would never claim to have the magic formula for creating great fiction. I would, however, claim to have quite a simple system that has showed some surprising results in tests recently. Simply take the basic framework of the story JAWS By Peter Benchley, and replace the shark with an antagonist that suits your genre.
Romance = Change shark to woman
Mystery = Change shark to clever homicide
I’m currently working on an action/adventure story in which a motorcycle daredevil creates havoc in a small seaside tourist town much to the chagrin of summer tourists and the local sheriff.
Dan Kennedy .
New York, New York