“A stunned world reckons with economic fallout from Trump’s tariffs. Not even America’s closest trading partners were spared by a policy broadside that spooked investors and left policymakers scrambling to formulate responses.” — New York Times
My fellow Americans,
For far too long, we have been held captive, prisoners of an unfair and unjust system—one that would see us access goods and services beyond the wildest imaginations of most developing nations. No longer! At long last, we have been liberated from being able to afford anything.
For many years, we have struggled to right this ship, to bring our spending and employment to heel. We have chipped away at our economy, bit by bit, but somehow we have continued to suffer under a global hierarchy in which we are both the wealthiest and most influential country in the world. A terrible fate to suffer, indeed.
Fear not, my friends, for those days are over. We are finally free from the shackles of capitalism. I mean, to be clear: it’s still capitalism. We’re just making sure that basically none of you benefit from it anymore. You. Are. Welcome.
This was not an easy battle. It came at a price—a price you’ll all be paying, based on a random assortment of numbers we pulled from thin air. We accomplished this great feat the way we always have: by just making it all up.
Our people have all fought valiantly, and we have won. Now you shall enjoy the spoils of our victory, which will cost about twice as much as any previous spoils. One day, we will all look back on this period and remember it as the beginning of the end of the best days of our lives.
Smile, countrymen, for a time of great surplus is finally and firmly out of sight, and a time of great agony is upon us!
No longer shall we exchange our economy of ideas and innovation for labor and goods.
No longer shall we bend the knee to other nations by being the nation other nations look up to.
No longer shall we be bound by the straitjacket of prosperity.
From now on, we are the envy of no one. Does that not feel righteous? Does that not fill you with purpose? You are all now unencumbered by things like “long-term market stability” and “jobs.” You are finally, totally free. (Nothing else is free, though. It’s all very expensive now.)
Congratulations, we did it.