“Danish Foreign Minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen chastised U.S. officials following a trip by Vice President J.D. Vance to Greenland, saying the country is open to criticism but isn’t happy with how it’s being delivered.” — USA Today, 3/30/25
“The Kremlin said on Monday that Russia and the United States were working on ideas for a possible peace settlement in Ukraine and on building bilateral ties despite U.S. President Donald Trump saying that he was ‘pissed off’ with Vladimir Putin.” — Reuters, 3/31/25
President Trump is working tirelessly to bring an end to the three-year-long war between Russia and Ukraine. While both sides share blame for this conflict—we’re still waiting on that “thank you,” Volodymyr—no country, no matter how powerful, has the right to seize the territory of another sovereign nation.
Also, we’re invading Greenland.
After President Trump’s historic victory in the 2024 election, many people worried that a second term would spell trouble for Ukraine. But that could not be further from the truth. Believe us when we say that the president is committed to helping Ukraine and is very pissed off at Vladimir Putin.
Admittedly, when we say “pissed off,” think less “global adversaries” and more “lover’s quarrel.” Kind of like on Roseanne, when Roseanne and Dan would argue, but at the end of the day, you knew they were always on the same team. Just think of Vladimir Putin as Roseanne, Donald Trump as her husband Dan, Volodymyr Zelenskyy as their daughter Becky, and the Donbas region of eastern Ukraine as the door to Becky’s room. Sure, taking Becky’s door off its hinges and removing it might seem extreme, the same way invading Ukraine might seem extreme. But Donald Trump, like Dan, will be there to make sure Russia doesn’t take things a step too far. His hard-line stance will ensure that Russia only gets to keep all of the territory they’ve already illegally seized and nothing more.
Meanwhile, the United States will be invading Greenland.
You might think it’s hypocritical that the United States would criticize Russia’s invasion of Ukraine and then immediately threaten to invade a territory of Denmark. But the two situations could not be more different. Russia invaded Ukraine to extract natural resources and exert greater influence over a part of the world it views as strategic to Russian interests. But the United States wants to take over Greenland to extract natural resources and exert greater influence over a part of the world it views as strategic to American interests. And American interests are more noble than Russian interests. Russia wants to enrich Russia, while the United States wants to enrich the world—by helping American corporations mine minerals to make and sell products the rest of the world desperately needs, like Cybertrucks. See the difference?
Our intentions in Greenland are altruistic in other ways, too. While Russia invaded Ukraine purely to expand its borders, we want to annex Greenland to help keep the people of Greenland safe. Did you know Greenland used to have 10,000 soldiers stationed across the island, and now they barely have 200? Sure, they were all American soldiers we chose to withdraw entirely of our own accord, but that doesn’t change the fact that Greenland is now woefully under-defended. Only the United States can protect Greenland from future invasions. Like the invasion we’re about to launch in the near future.
The truth is, Greenlanders want to be part of the United States, because who wouldn’t? Soon, the capital city, Nuuk, will be an American paradise, where the $TRUMP crypto coin will be the official currency, the people will all wear Kid Rock American flag ponchos, and helicopter polar bear hunting will be the new pastime. And just think of how much better off the people of Greenland will be once they’re Americans, and are therefore no longer saddled with “Nanny State” programs like paid family leave, universal healthcare, vaccination campaigns, or access to reproductive care.
Some will say invading Greenland is unnecessary. They’ll say that, since Denmark is a member of NATO, the U.S. is already obligated to defend Greenland in the event of an attack. But what better way to protect an ally than by annexing their territory and making it ours?
As for tapping into Greenland’s vast natural resources, could American companies just ask to do business in Greenland without making it part of the United States? Yes. And is the main reason Donald Trump wants Greenland that, whenever he sees something he wants, he shouts “Mine!” and chases after it, consequences be damned, like one of those seagulls in Finding Nemo? Yes. But that doesn’t change the fact that Greenland will be much better off as part of the United States.
Especially when President Trump decides to seek a third term.