You’ve finished your degree in Communications or Journalism and you’re ready to take on your first anchor job! Well done, and congratulations — you’re in the real world now! How you look is way more important to station ratings than all that investigative, “first on the scene,” newsy stuff. To help you on your way, here are the items you absolutely need to have for your on-air wardrobe.
Sleeveless Shirt or Shift Dress
It’s true that high-definition cameras turn the fittest of biceps into fat, dangling sausages. It’s also true your male co-anchor wouldn’t be caught dead delivering the news with his guns out. But trust me on this, girl — baring your arms, especially in the dead of winter when no one else is, shouts to the world that your sleeves are permanently rolled up for business.
Black Lace Top
Black lace isn’t just for special occasions anymore. Never mind your male co-anchor doesn’t own anything made of black lace AND never will. Oh, c’mon, who doesn’t love an outfit that can take you from working woman to lady of the evening? Besides, black lace complements all those stories with grieving widows, and you won’t have to fake your empathy quite as hard.
Tight-Fitting Dress
By tight-fitting dress, we mean those at home should wonder, “Is that Lycra or body paint?” Forget your co-anchor sitting next to you in his undershirt, button-down oxford, and jacket. No one cares what his body looks like, but focus groups say your body is very important to viewers. So, arch your back and tell ‘em how the Dow did today.
Something in Leather
Close your eyes and imagine Walter Cronkite in leather pants — with a bulge. Oh, I’m kidding. No anchorman would ever wear that! But, something in leather is a must-have for your wardrobe, anchorwoman. Sure, you might squeak when you walk, but so what? Leather says you are absolutely dominating that piece on pet adoptions!
Stilettos
Nothing says “take me seriously” quite like a pair of patent leather, 6-inch pumps, amirite? Anchor Bob over there could shove his hairy feet in a pair of muddy Birkenstocks and no one would give a rip. But YOU are held to stricter standards. So, just hobble on over to the weather center and tell us if it’s gonna rain or what, will ya?
Plunging Neckline & Pushup Bra
Do we still have to spell this out? Television is a v-i-s-u-a-l medium. So, OBVIOUSLY, education and news credentials — bad; high and smooshed together boobies — good. We’re talkin’ so smooshed and high the viewer wants to motor-boat ‘em. In 3-D. Nobody wants to see Anchor Steve’s distinguished gray chest hairs. So, grow up, keep your neckline low, your hemline high, and strap on those heels!