“Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what?”

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken make special wipes 99.99% water-based so they don’t irritate the skin, charge $17.99 a pack then make it so every fucken wipe sticks together so when you pull one they all come out every single time but you just keep buying more cause they’re the only kind that won’t give your kid diaper rash and going bankrupt from buttwipes sounds better than a screaming infant with chapped cheeks.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken invent a cure for infant sniffles where you suck the snot out your baby’s nose through a tube and give it so many five-star Amazon reviews that you actually try it. And when it doesn’t work I’ll say it’s Swedish so you’ll just assume you’re doing it wrong and keep trying.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken design a rocker that puts your kid to sleep every time, without fail, then have it recalled cause it’s a SIDS risk so it just sits in your closet and you’ll know it’s there, and you’ll know it would put your kid right to sleep at 5:15 a.m. when she’s been wailing for hours but you can’t use it cause the recall so you just let your child push you to a mental state reserved for trying to speak to a human representative when you call Spectrum cable.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken start like thirty-seven Instagram handles under the guise of teaching you parenting skills but instead I’ll just post content showing how easy this is for everyone else.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken make a little nipple suction cup to capture excess breast milk from the not-in-use boob but design it crazy top-heavy to the point where a breeze from someone walking by will knock it over so instead of helping up your supply you’re scrubbing crusty milk out the lines in your floorboard with a kabob skewer.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken make a little sock that has a sensor on it that tells you if your baby stops breathing but it’ll randomly go off with false alarms day and night. Especially night. And deep night. And middle of the night. And night before morning. And evening blending to night.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken make a stroller bag so tightly form-fitting that when you’re traveling and your family is called for preboarding and smugly waltzes by hundreds of waiting passengers and you go to pack your stroller at the gate it’s literally impossible to get the handle in the bag so you’re just struggling as your family, the gate attendant, and literally the entire flight are all waiting for you to just figure it the fuck out but you can’t so you start uncontrollably sweating as the entire terminal watches you wondering how natural selection let your genes pass on to a new generation.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken make like five COVID vaccines that are all remarkably effective at preventing serious illness and death and only approve them for kids five and up.

I’ll fucken…
I’ll fucken knit a onesie with thirty-seven cross-patterned buttons so when your kid’s screaming because you just changed her diaper at 4:03 a.m. and you need a quick finish so she falls right back asleep you’re stuck buttoning the wrong buttons together so you just keep buttoning, and buttoning, and buttoning, and buttoning, and buttoning, and buttoning…