Read the first installment of plays here.
Weekend
[YOU enter and put your things down in your cubicle. Your COWORKER stares expectantly at YOU.]
YOU: How was your weekend?
COWORKER: Good, good! Spent some time with the in-laws. Went up to their lake house. Great place out in the country.
[YOU fish your headphones out of your bag and insert an earbud.]
COWORKER: Sure beats the city. The city is just getting so crowded! You can’t walk down the street without running into a pedestrian traffic jam. I’ll tell you—
[YOU insert the second earbud. Your COWORKER continues talking even though YOU are no longer listening. He will continue talking throughout the day and long after you leave. He never reciprocates your question and asks you about your weekend. YOU will never have anything worth reporting anyway.]
Bullshit
COWORKER: This project is bullshit.
YOU: Yeah.
COWORKER: Who do they think they are giving us bullshit like this?
YOU: Yeah!
COWORKER: It’s bullshit. I’m not doing it.
YOU: Yeah?
[Your COWORKER slams his binder shut and storms off. YOU can’t tell if the project is bullshit or not. It seems like every other project. YOU continue working on the bullshit project, for working on it is easier than not working on it.]
Shoes
COWORKER: Have you noticed I’ve been wearing sneakers at work the past two weeks?
YOU: I did not notice. That is against the dress code.
COWORKER: Well I don’t like wearing uncomfortable work shoes. And I’m an adult so I’ll wear what I please.
[Your COWORKER continues to wear sneakers for another two days until SHARON FROM HR sees him and reminds him that we are all but children under the dress code, powerless to wear comfortable shoes. When we die we will be buried in uncomfortable shoes.]
Lies
COWORKER: Sorry about your arm.
YOU: What?
COWORKER: I heard you broke your arm.
[YOU examine your unbroken arms.]
YOU: What?
COWORKER: Wait, what?
[YOU raise one arm and then the other arm to demonstrate your arms are unbroken.]
COWORKER: Someone said you broke your arm.
[YOU reexamine your unbroken arms. They are a lie. It is known that you have a broken arm.]
YOU: Which arm?
Today
COWORKER: What’s today?
YOU: Tuesday
COWORKER: No, the date.
YOU: The 17th
COWORKER: When is Mardi Gras this year?
YOU: I’m not sure.
COWORKER: I’m going to get one of those cakes with a baby inside.
YOU: Alright.
[YOU forget when Mardi Gras is supposed to fall. YOU are not even sure what season it is without giving it some thought. It could be any time of the year, any time of the day in your fluorescent climate-controlled cake.]
Important
[Your COWORKER erupts in laughter.]
COWORKER: Come here, you have to see this.
YOU: Can you just send it to me?
[Your COWORKER breathlessly waves YOU over to his computer. YOU obey his hand motion and lean over his cubicle wall.]
YOU: What is it?
COWORKER: It is a dog dressed like a pumpkin.
[YOU gaze upon the image of a dog dressed like a pumpkin and laugh, even though YOU are but a writhing mass of meat and neuroses dressed like a person.]
Weekend Redux
[YOU enter and put your things down in your new office. From his cubicle your COWORKER stares expectantly at you through the open door. YOU are unaccustomed to the suffocating silence that came with your promotion. YOU exit your office and approach your COWORKER’s cubicle.]
YOU: How was your weekend?
COWORKER: Good, good! Spent some time with the in-laws. Went up to their lake house. Great place out in the country. Sure beats the city. The city is just getting so crowded!
[YOU turn around and head back into your new office.]
COWORKER: You can’t walk down the sidewalk without running into a pedestrian traffic jam these days. I’ll tell you—
[YOU close the door. Your COWORKER continues talking even though YOU are no longer listening. He will continue talking throughout the day and long after you leave. It’s comforting to know something is there on the other side of the door.]