I hope you don’t mind, but my buddy texted me, and I told him he could stop by. I’ll warn you in advance, he can be a lot. But once you get to know him, he’s great.

I know this is a “shoes off” house, but trust me, you will want him to keep his shoes on.

Are you the type of person who gets offended by jokes? Because after you meet him, you probably will be.

But he’s fun. He never shows up empty-handed—he always comes to a party with a six-pack of beer. But tomorrow morning, you’ll notice all your most expensive wine is missing.

He’s going to flirt with your wife. Either it will make her uncomfortable or she’ll be drawn in by his allure. Just keep an eye on both of them. I’ve seen it go both ways with this guy.

Really, he’s a gem once you get to know him. Speaking of that, do you have any loose gems in the house? I’d put them away.

He’s going to be wearing a cloak, which may seem a bit weird at first. But he pulls it off. By the end of the night, you’ll feel like the weird one for not wearing a cloak.

Fair warning, he’s pretty deep into multilevel marketing. If he tries to sell you Cutco knives, just buy them from him and put the knives away somewhere safe. I wouldn’t trust my friend with a knife.

He’s excellent with kids. Quick question, though: Is your baby allergic to cigarettes? Because he’s going to smoke. A lot.

My buddy’s been working on a screenplay, and he’ll probably have us do a quick table read. Be careful which character you pick, because some of the lines contain choice words, and he’s going to film and post the table read online.

Hey, he just texted me that he’s bringing his famous seven-layer dip. The fifth layer is roofies.

Seriously, he’s a good guy. He’s a veteran, but he was dishonorably discharged. Don’t ask him about the story behind that. No, not because it’s hard for him to talk about it. If anything, he’s too comfortable talking about it.

Deep down, though, he has a heart of gold. And the liver of a former Eastern European drug mule. I think he bought it on the black market.

You’ll really warm up to him after a while. Figuratively, though. Let’s not go in the backyard and warm up by a bonfire, because my buddy is notorious for committing arson.

There are a few cults he’s founded, and he’s probably going to give you literature. Just smile and nod, and you can throw away the pamphlets when he leaves. But you might want to keep the erotic ones.

Is your bar stocked? He’s a bit picky about his drinks. His favorite cocktail is a Molotov.

I know I said it’d be just him, but he just texted asking if it’s okay if he brings a few of his henchmen. That all right?

He has the bulging eyes of a chameleon. Under no circumstances should you look directly at them. That’s what sets him off. Like I said, he’s a great person, but you don’t want to set him off.

Sometimes, he talks a little too loud. Just giving you a heads up.

If you find yourself outside alone with him and a Cutco knife, just give me a holler, and I’ll come out to diffuse the tension. He might try to steal your liver. I know I said he already had the transplant, but I get the feeling one liver isn’t enough for this guy.

I’m looking at your face and getting the sense that you don’t want my friend to come. I’m sorry, but he’s already on the way. What, you’re just not going to buzz him in through the gate? I really don’t think a gate is going to stop him.