I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering, who is this man who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team?

You have some other questions and I would like to answer them. These questions include:

1. Why does the man who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team paint his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team?

2. What does the man who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team yell when he is inevitably shown on television following an outstanding play by his favorite football team whose helmet he has painted on his entire head and face?

And finally:

3. How does the man who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team paint his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team?

The answer to question one is simple and it is because I want my favorite football team, the Indianapolis Colts, to win. You may be asking yourself how is it that one man painting his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team helps that football team to win? This is because in football, the fans are known as the “12th Man.” I ask you, if one team is playing with twelve players and the other is playing with eleven players, which team is more likely to win?

That’s right, my team, the Indianapolis Colts. Therefore, since I am a player, it is important that I be properly outfitted in a uniform appropriate to my position, which is why, in addition to painting my entire head and face to resemble the helmet of my favorite football team, I also wear a Peyton Manning official game-worn jersey signed by Mr. Manning himself on the left breast, just above the heart, as well as sixteen strings of Mardi Gras beads in the colors of white, silver, and blue.

I used to also wear football pants, but those don’t show on screen, so now it’s just jeans, which are more comfortable.

For question two, the answer is, “it depends,” but I have some favorites, my go to’s, if you will, and the go to of my go to’s is, “Hell yeah, you magnificent sons of bitches!” This is my favorite thing to yell after an outstanding play by my favorite football team for several reasons. For one, it is original in that I’ve never heard anyone else scream, “Hell yeah, you magnificent sons of bitches!” It is important for it to be original, because I am not just the guy who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of my favorite football team, I am also the guy that paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of my favorite football team including the facemask that I draw across my cheeks, chin, and mouth.

No one else does that. I also draw in the helmet’s earhole right over where my sideburns would be if I didn’t have to shave my head and face in order to paint my entire head and face to resemble the helmet of my favorite football team. No one else does that either.

The second reason I like to scream, “Hell yeah, you magnificent sons of bitches!” is because I imagine that it is the kind of thing a Lieutenant might shout to his soldiers as they head into battle, “magnificent sons of bitches” not being an insult, but a term of endearment appropriate for spurring a group of men on to victory. I have noticed that some of my fellow 12th Men—Guy Who Paints His Entire Torso to Resemble a Football Jersey, Guy Who Wears a Kind of Ceremonial Horse Head of His Own Design Who Everyone Hates Because He’s Always Knocking His Ceremonial Horse Head Into Everyone Else, and Guy Who Wears a Blue and White Fright Wig and Shakes an Oversized Papier Mache Horseshoe Over His Head All Game—just kind of scream and whoop, and to me, it sounds kind of girly and not particularly motivating.

Lastly, for question three—how does the man who paints his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team paint his entire head and face to resemble the helmet of his favorite football team?—the answer is, my wife does it.

She’s a very understanding woman.