To Our Beloved Staff,
As you know, the Care for All nonprofit organization is a team working toward an important goal to better humanity. As a team and really, a family, I am sure you understand that we must all make sacrifices. Unfortunately, we will once again be unable to offer cost of living raises to the majority of our staff. We are, however, periodically able to offer free food in the company break room.
Any free food will be announced via a company-wide email and the blowing of the Great Horn. Employees that fail to check their inbox in time or do not hear the Great Horn forfeit their right to any free food.
Upon the sounding of the Great Horn, employees may don their company provided protective gear. Some employees may choose to purchase custom gear, at their own expense, with company approved merchants such as Merrin the Blacksmith or Sylvia the Potions Master. Experienced employees may also choose to make their run without gear in favor of speed, but this is only recommended to our fastest and most lithe employees. Do so at your own risk.
Once appropriately outfitted, employees may choose a single combat weapon, including but not limited to: swords, bows, katanas, machetes, throwing stars, and iron knuckles. Please note, this office strictly forbids the use of firearms on company grounds.
Magic of any order (light, dark, green, red, healing, etc.) is strictly prohibited but may be used in other contests, such as determining who will bring dessert to the company picnic. Employees may seek assistance from the company Sphinx at any time.
Upon arrival to the break room, employees will be met by Carol the Receptionist. Carol the Receptionist has gone uncontested for two decades. Employees should not expect to get there before Carol the Receptionist, for she is strong and they are weak.
The forming of allies is permitted and encouraged. HR is not expected to mediate any employee conflicts pertaining to free food.
After Carol the Receptionist eats her fill, the gauntlet will begin. Battle commences on a first come basis and contenders will be determined based on the amount of food available. Champions will be decided at the drawing of first blood. Tournaments have been known to continue for as little as five minutes or as long as a standard work week. Carol the Receptionist will sit in judgment of any tied matches.
Champions are expected to make an offering to a god of their choosing. If they are unsure which office god to pay tribute, we recommend Gaia the Mother, Imperius the Wise, or especially Toth the Destroyer, who recently rewarded us with a corporate sponsorship for the coming fiscal year.
Once spoils have been dolled out among the victors, all employees are expected to return to their regular working hours, regardless of the severity of their injuries. Training for future tournaments is regulated to personal time.
Violence against other employees outside of free food tournaments is strongly discouraged. Management acknowledges that they are unable to monitor employees while they are offsite. Many choose to be armed at all times.
Employees may opt out of obtaining free food, but are not exempt from being taken hostage or being sacrificed by the strong. For the worthy who do participate, Management wishes them the favor of Bogor the Lucky.
Any additional questions should be directed to HR or the company Wise One.
Praise Toth.
Great Fortune to the Brave,
Management