Moisturizer
Dot lightly across forehead, under eyes, across cheekbones, slather all over your neck, and across your chest. Just put it all over. Smooth lightly. Don’t tug! Your skin has enough problems as it is. My god, you look older today than you did just yesterday. Too bad you don’t live in a culture where that makes you magical. Here, have some more moisturizer.
Let that sink in.
Fence Posts
Dig the hole for a post so it’s roughly three times the width of the post itself. The hole should be about one-third the length of the post. As you dig that hole, think of the hole you’re digging for yourself in your current relationship. Keep telling yourself those Facebook messages between you and your ex don’t mean anything, buddy boy. Add gravel to the hole. Level the post. Fill the hole with concrete. Pour water into the hole, per the packaging instructions. That post is the most stable thing in your life right now.
Let that sink in.
Oil On Wood Cutting Boards
Start with a dry and clean wood cutting board. Using a soft cloth, apply mineral oil or your preferred food-grade oil to the board. Smooth in one even layer. Flip the cutting board over, again evenly apply oil, and pause to think about how much time you spend cooking, cleaning, and managing the emotional lives of everyone in your family. Don’t you have a full-time job too? Is this what you signed up for? Your partner made dinner once and was lauded as a conquering hero. Remove the excess oil. Remove the blinders from your eyes. What have you done? Blot.
Let that sink in.
The Titanic
The Titanic has been sitting at the bottom of the ocean for over a hundred years. Sometimes after a huge tragedy, or even a small impending one, it’s important to let things settle. No one needs to cram themselves into a little billionaire ocean-mobile or even do any googling to dig up things that don’t want to be dug up. Like doomed ocean liners or, say, what your actual professional experience might be. Some things are best left at the bottom of the ocean or off of your résumé. Sure, you know things! You bet you’re fluent in stuff! You have to admit, you’re not sure what “Come at once, we’ve struck a berg. It’s a CQD” or “failing up” mean, though. Hello, welcoming ocean floor.
Let that sink in.
Watering Outdoor Plants
While it may feel cheerful to water your plants willy-nilly, plants don’t drink water with their leaves. It’s important to make sure water gets to the roots. Water should sink in 6-8 inches for veggies and about a foot for shrubs. You know what else should sink in? That you used to only have to worry about keeping yourself alive. If you had a plant at all, it was a cactus. That’s not even a real plant. Those were the days. Now you have two dogs, all these real plants, and a baby on the way. Aim for a slow, deep watering once or twice a week. Tears don’t count. Tap water is fine.
Let that sink in.
Tent Stakes
A strong wind — or the winds of change — can make setting up a tent or wanting to continue living in your own country feel almost impossible. It’s important to get the corners staked down right away and worry about the position of your tent or your parents’ politics later. If necessary, sink the stakes into the ground by pounding them with a rock or your own stubborn hard head. “Don’t vote, she’s gonna win anyway,” you told yourself, “Why even bother? What’s the worse that could happen?” you said. Keep pounding. Make sure to have extra stakes on hand just in case the ones that are currently tethering you to the ground turn out to be spiritually broken. Sink stakes in all around. Allow all of your dumb naiveté to go with them.
Let that sink in.