Thank you for choosing our quaint bed and breakfast in the foothills of somewhere Vermont-esque for your getaway. Just like with countless couples before you, our relaxing abode is the perfect backdrop to the weekend-long argument we’re positive you’ll have during your entire stay.

Forgo the stark anonymity of a hotel with the home-away-from-home feeling of our B&B. Just like in your own home, you’ll wonder why your spouse has to make those sounds when brushing their teeth, and they’ll simply respond that it’s the only way to drown out your weekly phone call with your mother.

We provide everything you need, so only bring the essentials: clothes, personal toiletries, and a decade of pent-up annoyance and simmering frustration that will make your argument a weekend to remember (but you’ll both remember it differently to your couple’s counselor).

Choose from a variety of rooms to create the perfect space for you to rehash your most deep-seated resentments. Our Queen Suites come with an office nook to sit at while defending the time you went to Greg’s bachelor party in Sonoma while your wife was pregnant. Enjoy a view? Our Royal Suites overlook the Appalachian Mountains, so you can refuse to make eye contact with your partner while they apologize for kissing Chris Bonnadino that one time in college. In the mood for romance? Book our Honeymoon Suite and experience the uncomfortable silence that comes with sleeping in a heart-shaped bed after saying maybe you proposed too soon.

Visit stunning outdoor amenities like our nature trails and walk just annoyingly ahead of your partner while claiming, “This is the speed my legs move.” Don’t forget to check out the waterfall, because the only thing better than being frustrated is being damp.

We even have an on-site hot spring spa you both can reserve and only one of you can show up to while the other stews in bed watching reruns of Rizzoli & Isles on TNT.

Early riser? We offer a full breakfast in our rustic kitchen for anyone escaping a partner snoring blissfully while you replay last night’s argument over and over in your head. Sharpen your rhetorical responses over fresh-squeezed orange juice so you’ll have plenty of energy to wake them up with conversational guns blazing.

Think your fight has run its course? Time to take a trip to the local town accessible only by car, which is just perfect because your spouse unilaterally decided you’d take the train here. Surely there will be plenty of Ubers in this vibrant town of 750 people.

Before you leave, don’t forget to visit our gift shop, located next to the dining room, where you argued over the pronunciation of “Sauvignon Blanc” and made a waiter very uncomfortable. The gift shop contains the perfect mementos you won’t be able to display because your spouse is only reminded of the bad memories from your trip. Have you ever wanted to spend thirty-seven dollars on a monogrammed candle? We didn’t think so, which is why you’ll spend fifty-two dollars on it to prove how much fun you’re having on this godforsaken excursion from Hell.

At our bed and breakfast, we pride ourselves on warmth, coziness, and contentment. We don’t pride you and your spouse on any of those things, because we saw you sneak out for a cigarette and mutter about the trip to Spain you should have taken alone.

Thanks for thinking of us, and we’ll always be thinking of you, especially when we see your spouse’s two-star Yelp review you begged them not to post.