Our Streets Will Finally Be Safe From Hardworking People Who Contribute to Society

“President Trump on Tuesday ordered an end to the Obama-era executive action that shields young undocumented immigrants from deportation.” — New York Times, 9/5/17

For years, I’ve been worried about the number of hardworking people who contribute to society who are in our country. And more recently, the number of hardworking people who contribute to society has seemed to grow even faster, although that could just be because there are more media stories about them. Every other day, I hear about yet another hardworking person contributing to society. This frightens me, because as someone who was born in this country I know that we can only withstand so many decent, helpful people entering our borders before we are simply overrun with contributors to society.

Can you imagine? It’s terrifying. I have had nightmares where I’m in a board meeting at work and then someone stands up and says, “Hola! My new computer application has increased productivity by 200% in the past three quarters.” And then the next person says, “Assalamu alaykum, I am so honored to receive the Employee of the Year award.” And then the next person says, “Ni hao, we have allocated a percentage of our high profits to employee education programs and healthcare.” And then the next person says, “Hola again. I am your boss.”

That’s why I am so relieved that our streets will finally be safe from hardworking people who contribute to society. We’ll no longer have to worry about walking alone at night and being accosted by a good societal contributor, although we probably will still have to worry about walking alone at night and being accosted by anyone else. And we’ll no longer have to fret about the possibility of someone breaking into our homes who speaks a different language than us; when someone breaks into our homes, they’ll speak English.

Although, to be fair, most societal contributors have learned to speak English since they’ve arrived here — this is part of the evidence that they’re so hardworking and therefore dangerous. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that anyone who breaks into my house will now speak English as a first language, and that this is a good thing.

I’ll admit that some of these people came into our country when they were children, and thus they had the opportunity to be raised in our culture, learn our values, and become our friends. They may not even identify as good, hardworking people who contribute to society. Isn’t it wrong, you might ask, to kick out such people? Isn’t it heartless and cruel?

But let me ask you this: if these grade-school kids were so hardworking in the first place, then why didn’t they sign the right pieces of paper when they entered our country and didn’t know any better? And anyway, you know what we always say: once a hardworking person who contributes to society, always a hardworking person who contributes to society.

Unlike the hordes of hardworking people who are overrunning our cities, walking over our borders, and generally contributing to society, my family came into America the proper way: on a boat in the late nineteenth century. And we spoke a real, red-white-and-blue language: German. And then we made our way up into the middle class through a combination of luck, determination, and hard—

Oh shit.

Whatever. I still want them out.