I believe this year’s election is the most important of our lifetime. The next president of the United States will make decisions that will chart our nation’s course for the next century. We need a strong, principled leader who is ready to shake up Washington. That’s why I’ll be voting for The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell.

I’m just as surprised as you are. A few months back, when the ground in front of the White House split open, flames shot out, and from that emerged a giant, winged demon creature vowing to win the presidential election and bring about “an age of darkness and suffering that will cover the land for all of eternity,” I was just as skeptical as everyone else. Who was this guy with zero political experience who thought he could just waltz through a giant chasm of fire and run for president? None of the pundits took him seriously, but here we are just a couple of months later, and he’s polling over 45 percent nationally. The truth is, the more I listen to the demon creature talk, the more his words resonate with me.

Now, I imagine you’re making the same face that all liberals make when someone tells you they’re voting for The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell. That dismissive, “Are you for real?” smirk. Yes, I am for real, and there are millions of Americans just like me.

We like that the guy isn’t a politician. Thanks to his ability to retreat into the Earth’s core and emerge with large amounts of gold, he’s able to self-fund his campaign. He’s not beholden to wealthy donors or special interest groups. He speaks his mind, like when he says, “The Earth will be scorched, and the rivers shall run with blood!” That might sound extreme, but after decades of seeing jobs being shipped overseas, plenty of Americans are angry and frustrated. We’re ready to watch the Earth burn if it means he can actually get something done.

Some say The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell comes off as aggressive, rude, and bullying. He especially came under scrutiny during the debate when, in response to the female moderator pressing him for details on a tax plan, he ate her alive. Hey, guess what? That’s politics. Those debates get pretty rough, and I like that my candidate stood up for himself and didn’t get pushed around. His opponents are now trying to use that moment to paint him as some sort of misogynist. As if consuming her flesh had more to do with her being a woman than it did with the mainstream media’s unfair coverage of his campaign. And yes, I have heard the other things he’s said about women. I’m aware that he commonly refers to them as, “flesh vessels for my evil spawn.” What can I say? The guy isn’t politically correct. There is no doubt about it: The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell is going to ruffle some feathers.

Sure, I’m willing to admit that he doesn’t appear “presidential.” You’re probably wondering how a guy who is on record as saying, “The nations of the world will bow to me as master, and I will feast on their hearts,” will deal with other world leaders. You got me. He’s not polished. He’s in the middle of a tough election right now, but I’ve gotta believe that once in office, The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell will begin to behave more presidentially. However, if he gets a bit riled up occasionally, can you blame him? Just look at some of the things that his opponents and the media have been saying lately:

  • “He’s clearly evil. I mean, he says that he’s evil. Those are actually his own words.”
  • “He shouldn’t be allowed to run. He’s not an American. He’s not even a human.”
  • “He’s eaten multiple people on live television.”

When you consider that he’s been fighting against that level of slander, I think it’s understandable if he gets a little hot under the collar and vomits blood onto a reporter once in a while.

Listen, I know a lot of you think I’m stupid. How could anyone possibly want our next president to be The Demonic Creature That Emerged from the Depths of Hell? Well, the wonderful thing about America is that no matter how stupid you think I am, my vote counts just as much as yours.