Welcome to the Conference for the Association of Parents Who Watch Too Much Preschool Programming. We take great pride in ensuring everything will be representative of a typical day in your parenting life. We hope you appreciated the random wake-up calls you received throughout last night, and please be sure to grab a complimentary cup of lukewarm coffee and day-old baked goods that are mostly just crust at the check-in table.

Session A: 8:00-10:00 (Choose One)

  • Fuzzlies, What Are They And Why Is Abby Hatcher The Only One Who Saves Them?
  • Free Chickaletta: Mayor Goodway and Her Questionable Leadership Skills
  • Useful Engines?: Derailments in Sodar, A Case Study Against A.I.
  • Is Butterbean’s Ms. Marmalady A BossBabe?: Staying In “Business” Without Any Customers

Break: 10:00-10:20

Snack options include any Goldfish crackers Janet has in her van or the remaining “squishy” grapes from the almost empty bag we just bought yesterday.

Session B: 10:30-12:30-Session B (Choose One)

  • Hippos and HIPAA Violations: The Doc McStuffins Story
  • Where Do Bubble Guppies Come From? The Mechanics of Merpeople
  • Engineering 101-So You Can Answer Your Kid’s Questions After She Watches Blaze and the Monster Machines
  • Vampirina and the Visa Process: Questions about the Monster Tourism Industry

Lunch: 12:35-1:05

Our caterers will provide a vegetarian meal including three-quarters of a grilled cheese sandwich, apple skins with various amounts of the fruit included, an entire serving of carrot sticks with just enough leftover ranch dressing to be useless, and a selection of the hidden leftover candy from the most recent holiday. Water and tepid coffee provided. BYOB if you’re one of those parents.

NAP (Not Actively Parenting) Time
(Unstructured Time to Use As You Want)

Please note the following restrictions:

  • 1:10-2:20: Time spent planning what to accomplish during NAP Time.
  • 2:20-2:30: Actual NAP Time.

Session C: 2:35-4:00 (Choose One)

  • Examining YouTube Hypnosis: Baby Shark, Blippi, and Baby Bum Bum
  • Well, I Didn’t Realize This Was So Problematic: Silly Symphonies, Dumbo, and Other Media From Your Childhood That Doesn’t Hold Up Well
  • Battle Hymn of Mom Tiger: A Retrospective of All The Times She Was a Better Parent Than You
  • Impossible Birthday Themes: Tayo, Super Monsters, Spirit and Other Fringe Shows Your Kid Is Obsessed With: A Support Group Session (list of Etsy vendors available upon request)

Special round-table discussion: 4:05-4:45

A heart-to-heart discourse on slime, Yellies, and other toy fads on the table for possible boycotting.

Wrap-Up Session: 5:00 to whenever.

The conference will close with an optional happy hour/sip and bitch session in the atrium where we will discuss Ryan’s Mystery Playdate and cry/laugh about how much money Ryan’s parents are making playing with their kid on Nickelodeon’s dime. Chips and drinks provided. Dress code: Bras optional. Sweatpants preferred.