March 1
Hello Sociology 101 Students,
Importantly, your first paper about the history of microaggressions, is now due in six weeks instead of two. Several of you pointed out to me that requiring a researched paper within the first third of the semester is the kind of thing that only the most privileged among you have been properly prepared to do during the course of your secondary education. My apologies. In no way did I mean to make anyone feel less than comfortable (or become the unwitting perpetrator of the kind of microaggression we strive so diligently to avoid). This is your education. I want everyone to have an equal chance at success.
Also, if my office hours don’t work with your schedule, please feel free to call, email, Facebook, snap or tweet me if you have questions. I am reachable at all times. If it takes me more than an hour to answer your communication, it likely means that I’m asleep, and my husband has muted my phone. I have instructed him not to violate my personal property.
Thank you for understanding!
March 9
Hello Class,
Some concerns about things that have been discussed in class have been brought to my attention, and I want to sincerely apologize for upsetting, offending or isolating anyone. I promise that was never my intention. When I started Tuesday’s lecture with “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” I thought I sounded chipper and whimsical. I should have been more thoughtful. Some of you had a bad morning. Some of you weren’t feeling well. Some of you may have been nursing a hangover (no judgment!), but you were still dedicated enough to show up to class sporting a baseball cap or messy bun. You didn’t need my needling greeting.
And of course, I recognize that there are several gender non-conforming people in the class. Admittedly, “Ladies and gentlemen,” is an antiquated term, which I will never use in or out of class again. I only mention it here because I want to own up to my mistakes, past and present.
Thank you for understanding.
March 25
Hello Class,
Please forgive the amount of time that has lapsed since my last group correspondence. I have been very busy addressing many of your individual questions, and it has proved very time-consuming. Please know that I am not complaining. Your thoughts, comments and feelings are incredibly important to me and everyone else at the university. I’m proud to say I’ve gotten my ART (average response time) to your queries down to fewer than five minutes. It’s been much easier to do this since my husband moved out last week.
I have read about half of your papers, and I wanted to let you know that I will give full credit to those of you who felt a vision board was a more powerful way to make your point. Some of you had emergencies and needed extensions on the paper (or project, whatever). I want to be clear that these were only granted to students who properly demonstrated that they had felt marginalized by the many faux pas I had inadvertently committed while discussing conflict-centered social structures.
Thank you for understanding.
April 5
Hi Students,
I respect your right to protest injustice. Perhaps I was naïve. But I never imagined that I would be the focus of your rage. It seems, that in my effort to appease everyone, I have become too attentive. Some would say obsessive. One of you even used the word “paranoid” to describe the tone of my most recent status update. (I was only kidding. I’m not really going to have “sorry for everything” tattooed on my forehead so I won’t have to spend 10 minutes atoning at the beginning of each class.)
Because of my gross overreaction to your varied needs, from now on, all correspondence will be kept strictly to email. In fact, I have suspended all of my social media accounts, so please know that you have not been personally blocked. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt any of you.
Again, thank you for understanding.
May 3
Hi Class,
Good luck on the final exam. I wanted you all to know that, effective immediately, I am taking an indefinite sabbatical. Not to worry. Professor Clouse will distribute, proctor, and grade your final. I have given her detailed notes on all of your specific needs. She has a personal empathy support assistant to help her, so she will likely do a more satisfactory job than I have.
Please do not respond to this email as this account will be shut down the moment I hit send.
Thank you for understanding.