Dear friends and family,
This Sunday, I will be making my debut as an actor in the HBO drama Tribal, where I play a character who is dragged behind a horse, fully nude, with several long shots of my penis. There will be a clear shot of my face, then my penis, then me covered in filth being dragged through the dirt behind a horse, and then my penis. No CGI or stunt doubles were involved.
I would say if my little cousins want to watch, there is a ten-second close-up of my face where you don’t see my penis. Cover their eyes after that. There’s also a wider shot where you can’t really make out my penis, so they can probably watch that. The rest of the scene is entirely my penis.
By the end of the horse dragging, my face was covered in dirt, so you probably won’t recognize me. Also, the director had to do a lot of close-ups of my penis as if to tell viewers, “Hey, this is the same guy. He was clean-faced before the torture, but now he is dirty-faced from all the horse-dragging. You want proof? Look at his penis. Same penis.”
All the years of acting classes and auditioning have finally paid off. I asked whether I could give my parents special thanks in the credits for their support throughout my acting journey, but the producers said absolutely not. I got a talking-to from the casting director about never making eye contact with executives on set again. Mom and Dad, please know that I wanted a special note to you in there, right below my credit as “Dragged Penis Guy.”
Our ten-year high school reunion is coming up, and I can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces, knowing I did what I said I’d do—make it as an actor. It would be great if we could show the scene at some point during the festivities, and I could break it down and give my thought process behind the performance. Possibly a Q&A afterward?
For example, the cinematographer and I talked long into the night about how detailed the shoot would be. He wanted me to grimace, like, “Oh no, my poor penis!” I decided that my character would try to gyrate his hips so he wouldn’t get road rash. I worked with the film’s trainer, who shrugged off my questions about what kind of exercises are best to toughen my buttocks.
I think people would also be interested to learn that at the end of the scene when the tribe urinates on me, the director made an artistic decision to juxtapose the tribespeople’s healthy penises with my bruised, filthy penis. Their joyous laughter and dancing in the shot greatly contrast my crying and mumbling about how much my penis hurts.
I’m very excited for my debut and for the whole family to watch, including Grandma and her friends from church bingo. I wanted to warn you that there are a few curse words, so maybe we just show Grandma my scenes so she doesn’t hear that bad language.
I actually did curse quite a bit, usually whenever my penis hit a rock. Those were my real reactions, but the director took all of them out. He said one rock was so tiny that it didn’t make sense that I would yell as many curses as loudly as I did, so he had to cut it. All due respect to the director, but maybe my character has an extremely sensitive penis?
To be fair, my character was not supposed to speak English—he spoke a made-up language of an ancient fictional warrior tribe—so I guess it wouldn’t be fitting for my character to say, “Oh, my penis! Stop filming! Gravel is going up my urethra!” I mean, I get why they had a voice-over guy dub my lines, but in my defense, my reaction was authentic. James Dean, Paul Newman, Marlon Brando, and I all agree: method is the best kind of acting.
Fun behind-the-scenes tidbit: You can still hear a little bit of my screaming about my penis in the background. The sound editors said I shrieked so loudly that they had trouble getting rid of the audio completely. It was a first for them.
Tell Uncle Manny he owes me twenty bucks. He said I’d never be on TV. I guess he’s eating his words now. Please don’t let Aunt Betsy watch the scene. She was always weird about seeing my penis.
Even though my character is technically dismembered and burned in a bonfire, I’m hoping they call me back next season, maybe as a ghost. They can show my healthy penis, perhaps making a statement about how everyone’s penis returns to healthy form in Valhalla, as my character’s tribe believed.
My agent called me this morning and said I’ve already been offered a role in a Hulu series as a customer who watches a bar fight and urinates himself in fear. Feels like this is the start of something special. Thanks again for all your support!
Love,
Peter