Instead of regretting the time you spend on social media, why not score it so that you can base even more of your self-esteem on it? You probably accomplished something during those hours.
1. You got insulted by a troll on Twitter this morning. You:
A) Spent the whole day arguing and came away frustrated
B) Put up a bold defense and felt satisfied
C) Got the troll to admit that no, Jesus would not have wanted him to call you a “leftie snowtard”
2. While snooping through your ex’s vacation photos on Instagram, you:
A) Accidentally faved one, then unfaved it, then locked yourself in a room
B) Shrugged and decided it was time to move on
C) Realized the photos are from rehab and enjoyed a satisfying cackle
3. You made one of your best political quips ever on Twitter. As a result:
A) It got liked and retweeted by dozens of your progressive friends
B) It got liked and retweeted by an A-list celebrity
C) It got you blocked by Donald Trump
4. Your boss caught you looking at Snapchat. You:
A) Said you were only drawing whiskers on yourself to enhance your design skills and become a more versatile employee
B) Pointed out that at least you weren’t vaping in the stairwell like Mike from Accounting
C) Said that clearly, you’re bringing a millennial sensibility to a company that has long needed one — and asked for a raise
5. Drawing upon all of your recent internet experiences, you wrote an insightful Facebook post that went viral, eliciting hundreds of likes, comments, and shares — and landing you as a guest on three prominent podcasts. As a result:
A) Nothing in your life has changed in any way
B) Nothing in your life has changed in any way
C) Nothing in your life has changed in any way
SCORING
Two or more A’s: You wasted time on the internet. Tomorrow is another day.
Two or more B’s: You’re becoming a more productive loafer. Good job.
Two or more C’s: Congratulations! You have won the internet! And… nothing in your life has changed in any way.