1. BIC America F12 12-inch 475-watt

Just moved to town? First thing out of your moving truck (besides your Bud Light ‘Twins’ posters) should be this mama jama bass blaster. With the BIC America F12’s crystal clear tones and powerful dynamic range, you can blare Metallica so loud it’ll be impossible to hear you sobbing at all hours due to your recent break-up with Lexi.

2. Martin Logan Dynamo 700” Subwoofer

The Martin Logan Dynamo 700" — a sonic tour de force. Because sometimes, a man needs to listen to movies with just that extra bit of boom. And sometimes that’s because you just saw a pic of Lexi with your gym friend, Daryl. What does it mean? Why were they both smiling? Why were they even hanging out? How did Martin Logan cram so much bass into such a small box? Turn it up to 11 and stop asking questions that, deep down, you know the answers to (a proprietary new induction system for lossless low-end frequencies).

3. Polk Audio PSW505 12-Inch Powered Subwoofer

No neighbor likes the sound of an angry drunk dial — so why subject them to it? With the newest 12-inch Polk, you can jam late-night Megadeth so loud your floormates will find that even their internal monologues are a thing of the past. So on the off-chance they overhear you cursing out Daryl, Lexi, and your personal trainer, Brianna, who obviously set them up together, their brains will be so sonically addled that they won’t be able to judge you even for a moment. They’ll barely be able to breathe! Rock on, bros!

4. Yamaha YST-SW216BL

Sometimes to get the real thing, you have to be there. So when Lexi, on the verge of a restraining order, finally confronts you on your home turf, you know exactly where to turn: Yamaha. Their latest YST-SW216BL can reach decibel levels akin to a space shuttle launch, meaning that even when she tells you that she and Daryl are ‘just friends,’ your shouts of ‘Lying tramp!’ will be swallowed by whatever arena rock anthem you play to mask the entire confrontation. Our suggestion? “Paradise City” (Guns N Roses, Use Your Illusion tour, Tokyo, Fall ’92).

5. ELAC S12EQ Debut Series 1000 Watt Powered Sub

Compromise is often inevitable. Like when you agreed to stop calling, emailing, and texting Lexi so long as she doesn’t press charges. But you never have to settle when it comes to ELAC, especially not with their latest Debut Series. Weighing as much as your average seven-year-old child — a conversation Lexi wasn’t willing to have even after four years together — this thing can be your true bundle of joy. You can even give it a name, like Fred. That was your grandpa’s name. You had a very special relationship. You always wanted to name something after him…

And now you can!

6. Klipsch Reference R-112SW Sub

At a certain point, you deserve unparalleled clarity. Whether that’s in your subwoofer, or in the knowledge that Lexi is never coming back, and will probably be with Daryl forever. At least, that’s what their wedding invitation says. Why would they send that to you? After everything you went through together, with both of them? Don’t they know how much that hurts? Why does God hate you? What did you do to deserve this? Is life even worth living? All questions you can ask yourself in a pitch dark room, enveloped by the sonic blanket of the Klipsch. Nothing else can match the pure screaming power of the Reference R-112SW, which, when finally you see the wedding photos, you’ll take as a challenge.