Do you ever get home after the end of a long weekday and feel like you just can’t bring yourself to cook another labor-intensive dinner? That’s because you’re horrible at time management and lack the strong work ethic of your sister. Get your shit together — even a degenerate like you can make these easy weeknight dinners.
Three-Ingredient Asian Fusion Ratatouille
This recipe actually has a few more than three ingredients, but we’re assuming that you already have certain kitchen staples in your pantry. If you don’t already have tahini, Indonesian chile sauce, essence of rosemary, and a lobster that you raised yourself for the last five years, you’re going to have to do some catching up just to get on this recipe’s base level.
Creamy Lentil Soup with Smoked Sausage
The estimated start-to-finish time on this recipe is 30 minutes, but in reality it’s going to take you three hours. Those are three hours you could have used to work on your novel, although we all know you actually would have used that time to add movies to your Netflix queue and think about watching Better Off Ted without ever actually committing.
Quail Stuffed with Portobello Mushrooms
and Fresh Cranberries
There are certain basic recipes that everyone should have in their repertoire: grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and Quail Stuffed with Portobello Mushrooms and Fresh Cranberries. This meal is so straightforward and self explanatory that the recipe can be boiled down to three simple steps: 1. Acquire a quail; 2. Acquire Portobello mushrooms and fresh cranberries; and 3. Make it happen. If you can’t pull this off, I feel sorry for you.
Habanero-Glazed Shrimp Salad
Use your mini-food processor to puree five habanero peppers that are each exactly three inches in length, then give up, just like you should have given up when you forgot you were supposed to run that charity 5K and showed up ten minutes after it started, hungover, and in the same clothes you wore the night before.
Homemade Mac and Gorgonzola Cheese
with Prosciutto
Having trouble with this recipe? Guess what, we called everyone you went to high school with, and they’ve all successfully cooked this meal. And they’re all married.
Braised Salmon with
Lemon Zest and Chia Seeds
Do you know what braised means? Do you even know what chia seeds are? You think you know what lemon zest is, but you’re probably wrong, just like you were wrong when you told your parents that there were ‘plenty of viable career options’ for someone with an Environmental Studies degree.
Black Bean Burger with Eggplant
on a Sesame Seed Bun
This vegetarian burger actually tastes like Wagyu beef and the eggplant is seasoned to taste just like peppered bacon, hand to God. And the best part is that you can make this healthy miracle meal in just 20 minutes. However, this is part of our ‘locked content,’ so you’ll have to register for our site to get the full recipe. And to register for the site you’ll have to complete the GRE. Upon completion of the exam, you’ll receive your registration code — if you scored high enough.
Easy Meatloaf
Okay, you may have failed at all the other recipes, but you’ve got this one. Literally anyone could make this — a ferret with an oven mitt taped to its paw could make this. If you can’t produce a moist, hearty meatloaf based on the recipe below, we recommend that you go watch Kitchen Nightmares in the fetal position while thinking about how many restaurant meals you could buy with the amount of money you owe in student loans.