“Decent in bed.” – My sheets
“Stares a lot.” – My TV
“Passive aggressive.” – My welcome mat
“Utter narcissist.” – My mirror
“Major control issues.” – My remote
“Tends to throw in the towel.” – My linen closet
“She blows.” – My decorative candle
“Smart ass.” – My chair
“Makes us feel empty inside.” – My wine bottles
“Thief!” – My jewelry box
“Pretty unforgettable.” – My memory foam pillow
“Such a player.” – My record collection
“Fills me with Joy®.” – My dishwasher
“Wears us out.” – My clothes
“Gave me severe abandonment issues.” – My treadmill
“Not exactly my cup of tea.” – My Keurig machine
“She has to be on top.” – My mattress
“Liar.” – My scale
“Treats us like garbage.”– My trash cans
“Ignores us because we’re not actually male.” – My pile of mail
“She’s always throwing shade.” – My blinds
“Too into Netflix & chill.” – My couch
“Positively draining.” – My sink
“We don’t really support her.” – My bras
“Gives us dirty looks.” – My hamper
“She makes it rain.” – My shower
“Such poor taste.” – My wallet
“Tends to sweep things under the rug.” – My broom
“Occasionally enlightening.” – My lamp
“Good vibes.” – My electric toothbrush
“I only have eyes for her.” – My eyeglasses
“We both suck.” – My vacuum
“Tends to make me feel all warm inside.” – My microwave
“Pretentious.” – My stack of New Yorkers
“She needs to get a grip.” – My door handle
“I’ve always looked down on her.” – My ceiling
“Our connection is private, ok?” – My Wi-Fi router
“She’s so basic.” – My toilet paper
“Borderline abusive.” – My bowl of bruised fruit
“Has never once turned me on.” – My oven
“We found love in a soapless place.” – My body wash
“Always leaves you hanging.” – My wall art
“Burgeoning hoarder.” – My plastic bag full of plastic bags
“Great rack.” – My spices
“Just put a sock in it, lady.” – My sock drawer
“She’s changed.” – My jar of coins