Copy and Paste Any of These Out-of-Office Replies for Your Personal Use

I am out of the office today and Friday to solve every existential quandary I’ve been putting off arguably since 2023 when, as far as I can tell, I simply quit thinking.

Hi, I’m out of the office. If you have anything urgent, please get in touch with the fact that there’s probably nobody better suited than me in our organization to handle that matter, and I’m taking a day off to think about love, survival, and time.

I am currently out of the office and changing my entire past and future by Monday. Everyone remembers when I tried this three weeks ago. I will not be piloting a rented boat this time, and expect much less legal fallout.

I will be out of the office today. I’ve been reading a lot of breakup songs. I don’t listen to them, but I google the lyrics and read them, and the one that’s been getting me through these days goes, “And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh). Said, ‘I’m fine,’ but it wasn’t true.” It reminds me of coming back from our Creative Offsite in February. See you guys Monday.

I will be out of the office Thursday and Friday. You know how I’m always saying I’m going to write a novel about all this shit I’m going through? This is it, man. Four days. Energy drinks and doubling up on my thyroid medication. Super speedy, really fast writing. Kerouac style. I can already feel it in America, the way the dark banner of stars above us opens up across the vast land, and the crying disappears into clear streams in the Rockies and madly beautiful oceans out west, where the pain becomes bright sunsets that fade and reveal dark jazz holes where broken men blow out their hearts like carburetors that only need a good blast down the interstate to clean them out and set them straight again. I will return to the office on Monday.

I’m out of the office today. Remember how I always said one day I would get on a motorcycle and ride off into the sunset forever with no real plan because I don’t care about social imperatives? Well, it’s happening, but in a mid-size SUV for three days if you count Friday and all of Sunday.