1.
Begin by breathing slowly through your mouth. As you inhale, think of a balloon gradually expanding. As you exhale, think of that video where those guys drop breath mints into a bottle of soda and it erupts into a giant foaming geyser.
2.
While focusing your eyes on a spot slightly behind your head, walk slowly back and forth in front of your cubicle with both elbows loosely supporting your feet. Let your breath flow from your buttocks.
3.
Sit down at your desk with legs crossed and head rotating. Gently place ears and teeth on floor. Lift. Repeat.
4.
Stand with knees detached, holding pelvic area extended in front of body at shoulder level, eyes closed. With neck open, take six deep breaths. Repeat.
5.
Crouch with head between feet in darkened stairwell, exhale slowly with a low hissing sound. Repeat each time door to stairwell is opened by meddlesome co-worker.
6.
Lean with back against wall in darkened stairwell and breathe in through right nostril, out through left nostril. Using nasal passages only, repeat the phrase “Put this on my timecard: I’ve got a gun, fuckers” the next time that goddamn stairwell door opens.