Dear Applicant,

Congratulations. You have been admitted to our prestigious graduate school program, which will not drastically improve your career prospects, but will allow you to avoid adulting for another year or two (or six, for the particularly diligent researchers and those who chose an undergraduate major in a subject with no real-world application). Before you arrive, you’ll need to secure housing. Here are some options:

  • 458 Memorial Ave. Beautiful river views, convenient location only a five-minute walk from campus. Very spacious, but a little noisy. Pet-friendly, overnight guests allowed. Only $600 a month. This is a parking spot, but you could probably set up a tent; make sure to evade the university police’s weekly forced removal.
  • 950 Amherst St. This listing uses the word “veranda,” so you know you can’t afford it.
  • Bezos Hall. The newest graduate-student dorm, donated by a magnanimous billionaire who believes in education, philanthropy, and your lack of other job opportunities after graduation. We host weekly social events, such as pick-up games—i.e., package pick-up games.
  • 177 Beacon St. One-bedroom apartment, unfurnished, two bus stops from campus. It costs $1,250 monthly, electricity and water included. Sorry, this has been claimed in the time it took you to read the last two sentences.
  • Cozy mahogany-oak coffin. For just $1.5K a month, you can sleep like Edward Cullen. Velvet-lined, remodeled with a Federal Housing Administration-compliant breathing straw so you don’t become an actual corpse. Utilities not included.
  • 8300 Maple Ct. Beautiful brick townhouse at an affordable price. Central air-conditioning, cats allowed. Quiet location, pleasant nature trail in backyard. Only a thirty-minute drive from the closest grocery store. (NOTE: This listing is two states away from your school, but you can commute.)
  • Underneath your own desk. Since you’ll be a first-year graduate student, you won’t get your own office, but your desk (and the space beneath it) can be quite comfortable. Incredible location, convenience, and cost can’t be beat. Electricity, heating, and internet all included. Showers are available at the campus gym. Neighbors are somewhat eccentric and prone to making poor decisions, like attending graduate school.

To help offset the costs of living, we have also awarded you with a stipend made of three Walmart coupons and this tenure application from an overqualified woman of color that we found in the wastebasket.

Orientation is in early September. We are so honored to contribute to your debt-filled future.

— Elite Graduate School