I don’t mean to add more drama to our situation, but I feel like it’s necessary. Of course we’re running out of usable supplies from the wreckage. The weather is taking a turn for the worse. Plus, we clearly mislabeled that volcano as inactive. But there’s an even more pressing matter: One of us survivors is famed English graffiti artist Banksy.

I didn’t want to believe it myself, but I searched every inch of this island when our plane first crashed and found not a single politically charged and satirically driven art piece. Now I can’t even climb a boulder to try and signal a ship without seeing four to five spray painted social commentaries. They’re especially critical of me. You all unanimously elected I should lead the group.

That includes you, Banksy!

Well, nobody flinched or spoke up when I said “Banksy,” so there goes my first method of getting to the bottom of this. Not a problem. I have plenty of more cunning methods.

So… which one of you is Banksy? Nobody? Okay. Which one of you isn’t Banksy? Everybody. Okay. That checks out with what Banksy would want us to think.

Some of you probably think it doesn’t matter if Banksy is here. “Who cares if the most famous unknown man since Jack the Ripper or the banker from Deal or No Deal is here with us, we’re still stuck on an island?” It’s about trust. If we’re going to get saved, we have to believe in one another. That means no secrets. That’s why I told you all I had spent time in prison. Did you think all of that was just me bragging? Some of it was. I’ll admit that. It was a cool prison.

I need to know everybody is going to devote 100% of their attention to getting us off of this island and not to spreading anti-consumerism sentiments. That shopping cart on fire that one of you painted on the rock face must have taken hours. Hours that could’ve been spent thinking of a name for the raft we’re going to build when we find wood. It needs a good name, unlike “Banksy.”

Nobody’s upset over me insulting that stupid name one of you uses? Nobody? Fine.

I didn’t want to, but I dug through all of your personal belongings for possible clues. Obviously, it was inconclusive. Roger, when I found a can of spray paint in your bag, I thought I had it all solved, but then I found another can in Tim’s bag, and then in Linda’s bag, and then in my own bag. That’s when I remembered we were all flying back from that spray paint convention. I guess a traumatic plane crash can make you forget a lot of things. I hope I remember that.

I guess as your elected leader, I’ll just have to put my foot down. The newest, and only, law of this island is no satirical street art! Let’s see how Banksy deals with an authority figure forbidding his art form. I bet he, or she, Linda, falls in line right quick and gets back to drawing useful things like maps and album covers. And I’m not just saying that because my album still needs a cover and could use map that shows where it’s being sold, but that is one reason.

Now does everyone who is Banksy understand? Nobody? Oh, you’re good, Banksy.

Does everyone who isn’t Banksy understand?

Wait, Tim, didn’t you use to have an English accent?

No? Hmm, I guess a traumatic plane crash can make you forget a lot of things. I hope I remember that.