“Martin O’Malley, the former commissioner of the Social Security Administration, said the recent cuts made by tech billionaire Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency at the agency could result in the ‘collapse’ of the Social Security system ‘within the next 30 to 90 days.’” — The Hill
Internal memo from the Department of Government Efficiency
FACT 1: People pay into Social Security over their working lifetime and then withdraw from it when they hit their sixties, like an IRA that holds value even when the stock market crashes. This works as long as the number of people paying in is greater than the number of retired people. Stupidly, the forefathers assumed there would always be more working people (sixteen to sixty-seven years old) than there are retirees. This assumption is called a Ponzi scheme.
FACT 2: Unfortunately, a bunch of people had sex all at once in 1945, and now those sex babies are retiring. Unless something intelligent is done, baby boomers will crash Social Security.
FACT 3: The government does not need to pay social security to dead people. Paying money to the dead is actually fraud.
FACT 4: DOGE has been tasked (by ourselves) to eliminate fraud.
FACT 5: We trained our AI on the previous facts, and it accurately pointed out that eliminating cancer research, ignoring pandemics, and stopping flu vaccines would significantly decrease the number of social security payments over time. This is because cancer and illness disproportionately claim the lives of old people. We only need to hasten the deaths of several million baby boomers to save the government $70 trillion over twenty years.
SECOND FACT 5: I have just saved the government $70 trillion. Therefore, that money should be applied to me.
PLAN OF ACTION: DOGE recommends taking that $70 trillion, plus all the other social security money, and investing it in my companies since the ROI will be excellent. For example, I recently turned $290 million, which I paid to get this job, into $70 trillion for myself.
TALKING POINT 1: That’s not corruption; it just shows that I’ll do anything for my shareholders, including mass murder, which is obviously the kind of business acumen you need in a CEO / world leader.
TALKING POINT 2: Retirees are a net drain on society because they do not work eighty hours a week. They merely provide free childcare to their grandchildren and pay for unnecessary hobbies like pickleball, contra dancing, and hospice.
TALKING POINT 3: Will baby boomers get mad if we try to kill them off? No, because our social media takeover means they won’t even notice, and in many cases, they will contribute to their own demise (via “alternative” therapies and mistrust of “Western medicine”).
PR PLAN: Flood social media with the message that we’ve turned Social Security into a new program, X-Security, that exclusively eXists to invest in companies with X in the title. Proposed taglines from AI are “As secure as giving your money to your X” and “X-Security: Life will never get better than this.”
MESSAGE TO THE PRESIDENT: X-Security is much smarter than the current system and is actually foolproof, because if our stock goes down, we can continue to adjust health care accordingly.
MESSAGE TO MEDIA OUTLETS: We have saved US taxpayers all the money that exists and eliminated fraud!
SOCIAL MEDIA MESSAGING VIA OUR ALGORITHMS AND INFLUENCERS: Vaccines are bad for you! It’s healthy to get sick! Horse dewormer cures cancer! (Be sure to include exclamation points for a sense of urgency.)
THIS ACTION PLAN IS A TOP PRIORITY: Please email me the names of five baby boomers you helped kill by Monday morning.