“[T]he University of North Texas administration recently censored the content of more than two hundred academic courses, including by mandating the removal of words such as race, gender, class, and equity from undergraduate and graduate course titles and descriptions. These actions were allegedly taken in response to state legislation banning certain diversity, equity, and inclusion programs and practices, even though the legislation specifically exempted academic course content.” — The American Association of University Professors
Effectively immediately, race will no longer be considered as a factor in admissions decisions. In fact, to ensure we don’t promote equal access to education by accident, only applicants named “Bradford” will be admitted to the college.
We will also stop pretending to try to recruit a diverse faculty.
The all-gender bathrooms will be changed to “both-gender” bathrooms because, as biology tells us, there are only two genders.
(The biology department has informed us that this is not true.)
The biology department has been dissolved.
No trans women will be permitted to participate in women’s sports, to protect the cisgender women who have not asked for protection.
Effective immediately after this sentence, the university will no longer use the word “trans” since that’s not really a thing.
(The history department has informed us that [REDACTED] people do exist and always have.)
The history department has been dissolved.
To avoid enforcing Title IX regulations, the university will no longer conduct investigations into allegations of sexual assault or harassment. This change will allow us to more efficiently maintain our record of zero consequences for those accused of sexual assault or harassment.
All women’s bathrooms (as well as the newly established both-gender bathrooms) will be closed. Given our commitment to ignore Title IX, we don’t want to give women something (in this case, bathrooms) just because men have them.
In keeping with our not keeping with Title IX, all women’s sports are canceled, effective immediately. Except volleyball, because we like their shorts. Members of the women’s volleyball team will be subjected to weekly examinations by a male athletic inspector to make sure none of them are [REDACTED].
The following clubs are, obviously, canceled, effective immediately: Diversity in Action, the Black Student Union, Women in STEM, the Gender and Sexuality Alliance, and the Minority Association for Pre-Medical Students. Also, you may no longer say “diversity,” “Black,” “women,” “gender,” or “sexuality” in course titles, course descriptions, emails, conversations, or thoughts. You can continue to say “minority” since the term is outdated anyway and because it’s impossible to avoid comparing everything that’s happening right now to the 2002 sci-fi action movie Minority Report.
Aside from the aforementioned exceptions, all speech is allowed. No matter how heinous the hate speech is, it will be permitted. Hate speech is free speech, and free speech is good, so by the transitive property of speech, hate is good.
(The math department has informed us that this is not how the transitive property works.)
The math department has been dissolved.
Despite the above club closures, the Latinx Club will be encouraged to continue. Latinx Club, don’t forget to publish your meeting dates, times, attendance records, and locations on the publicly available college calendar.
Incidentally, reflecting our community values of respect and hospitality, the university will welcome ICE to campus with open arms.
The university will end the cafeteria’s pernicious diversity, equity, and inclusion program, otherwise known as “Taco Tuesday.”
Effective immediately, after the conclusion of this sentence, the university will no longer be using pronouns.
(The English department has requested to be dissolved. Farewell and best of luck to [REDACTED].)
In short, no one in power needs to worry: The university’s subversive mission to empower the public with knowledge and to encourage our students to think for themselves has been suspended indefinitely.
Sorry, is “themselves” a pronoun? In a surprise turn of events, the university is, for the first time, acknowledging our need for an English department.