It is with a heavy heart that we admit Spines for Senators (S4S) has failed in its mission to provide invertebrate lawmakers with the transformational surgeries they so desperately need. To be blunt, we weren’t fully prepared for the challenges presented by these feckless losers. We thought some of them (one of them?) wanted to be better. How wrong we were.
They voted unanimously to install Marco Rubio (one of our organization’s many lost causes) as secretary of state. They passed the Laken Riley Act. Amy Klobuchar is still—still!—talking about finding common ground and working together with the party that plunged our country into a constitutional crisis.
To all our wonderful supporters, I assure you that S4S did not fail for lack of trying. “Please!” we pleaded to one senator after another. “It doesn’t have to be this way! You can lead a life of dignity and respect, a life you can be proud of!” But for eight long years, our offers of spinal implants were roundly rejected.
John Fetterman, elbows-deep in a Wawa hot turkey hoagie, laughed in our faces. “I’m good,” he said before slithering off to endorse American occupation of the Gaza Strip.
Susan Collins would only let us into her office moments after she’d oozed out an open window, like Major Major in Catch-22. Her slipperiness is rivaled only by her concern.
Chuck Schumer, propped against a bench feeding the ducks at Prospect Park, politely declined a spine. “Just wait,” he said. “Trump will screw up. And when he does, for the first time, I’ll be ready. Isn’t that right, Howard? Yes. Howard loves his crusties.” (He named one of the ducks Howard.)
These cowardly “lions” don’t want our help, nor have they demonstrated any capacity or willingness to fight for the democracy that so many of them assured us—rightly, repeatedly, for years—was at stake.
So screw ’em.
Spines for Senators is no more. We are pivoting from naive philanthropy to the coup-stopping space. Spines for Senators is now Pitchforks for the People (P4P).
P4P partners with left-leaning recycling centers and farm equipment suppliers across the country to provide pitchforks to budding radicals at no cost. We also supply Trotsky pamphlets, V for Vendetta DVDs, and Luigi masks. You know, the Mario guy. There’s no larger context there.
[Legal disclaimer: Pitchforks for the People does not condone physical violence, except against Nazis, despots, and incels who call themselves “Big Balls.”]
Though our board is disappointed that, over an eight-year period, we failed to implant a single senator with a spine, we are also excited about this revolutionary new chapter.
No longer will we use your hard-earned money to try and salvage these hand-wringing, out-of-touch ghouls. Instead, we will arm you—the People—with the tools you need to dismantle the oligarchy.
No longer will we condescend to you by telling you to vote (unless AOC runs in 2028). Instead, we will hand you a pitchfork, point you in the direction of Big Balls’s office, and trust that you can put two and two together.
Your representatives don’t have spines—they never have, and they never will. But you do. So stand up. There’s work to be done.