I’ll be one of the last ones to board and I’ll look through all the closed overhead bins and attempt to shove my large suitcase into a crevice. Spoiler alert: I have no concept of time or space so I’ll shake my head and curse until one of the ladies comes by and offers to check my bag for free.
I’m going to be taking off my shoes and socks immediately as I sit down. Spoiler alert: I’ve got sweaty feet, and flying makes them sweatier.
When I unpack the large mechanical device from my bag I’ll joke that it is a bomb. Spoiler Alert: It’s not a bomb, but it’s actually my CPAC device for my sleep apnea, and I’ll forget to put my sleep apnea mask on before I fall asleep and I’ll be making noises that sound like a wounded velociraptor.
Throughout the flight, I will help the airline staff by pointing out to them who I think might be a terrorist. Spoiler alert: I will let them know I think you may be a terrorist.
If you hear me stop snoring you’re going to need to wake me up because I’ve stopped breathing. If I don’t wake up, refer to that instruction pamphlet I handed you as soon as I sat down and begin immediately performing CPR. Spoiler alert: If I do die, please wipe down my feet so when they carry me off the plane, the guy who has my feet end doesn’t keep slipping off and dropping me and shouting to his partner about how sweaty my feet are.
At one point, when the stewardess corrects me and says that she prefers to be called a “flight attendant” or a “man” I’ll say, “Sure, sure!” and nod that I understand. Spoiler alert: Once she leaves I’ll get real close to your face, roll my eyes and say, “What is this lady plane servant even talking about?”
I’m going to watch my shows on my phone and not use headphones because they make my ear canals itchy. I will laugh loudly at the jokes I find funny. Spoiler alert: I will find every joke funny.
I’m going to make you get up so I can go to the bathroom at least six times. Spoiler alert: Each time I’m gonna try to smoke in the lavatory and have a confrontation with the stewardess. When I get back, I’ll remark how it’s so funny how they call it lavatory now instead of what normal people call it, “the shitter.”
I’m going to tap you on the shoulder to make a few racially tinged jokes. Spoiler alert: I’m not what you’d call “politically correct” or a “good person.”
I will remark about five times that everyone is too uptight. Spoiler alert: I will threaten you not to say a goddamned word about my sweaty feet!
I’ll be eating an onion bagel with scallion cream cheese. Spoiler alert: Some of that cream cheese is gonna fall on you. Nothing I can do to stop it. Just the way McDonald’s makes their bagels. Double spoiler alert: McDonald’s doesn’t actually make bagels, and I don’t remember where I got this bagel.
I’m going to be on my cell phone, and I’m gonna be yelling. Spoiler alert: I’m a businessman and I need to yell.
Throughout the flight, I’ll use the overhead storage bin like it’s my closet continually asking you to let me through so I can get up and grab my sweater and then put it back a few minutes later and then grab a magazine which I’ll put back a few minutes later. Spoiler Alert: You will need to catch me when I slip because my feet are soaking wet at this point.
Warning. Big time spoiler alert. Do not read further if you do not want spoilers! I’m on the same connecting flight as you so I’m going to need you to help me towel off my feet, put my socks back on, and in about an hour, we’re going to do this all again!