Welcome! Bienvenidos! Willkommen! Thank you for flying United Airlines. We appreciate your attention as we demonstrate the updated safety features of this aircraft.

Please turn off and stow away your phones and electronics. Whenever the seatbelt light is on, be sure your seatbelt is fastened low and tight across your lap. Keep in mind, flyers — if for any reason this airliner becomes overbooked, we maintain the right to forcibly remove you with little to no explanation. Lift the buckle to release, and cooperate with us to mitigate embarrassment by all parties. In first class, the buckle works differently, but trust us — you’ll be fine. Merveilleux!

For those of you seated in an exit row, you may find that you have an excellent vantage point to film an innocent passenger being dragged out of our aircraft by inexplicably violent and callous airport police officers. Please refrain from doing that. Also, you may be required to assist the crew in an the event of an emergency landing. If you cannot perform these functions, switch seats with somebody who appears more feeble and conflict-aversed.

This 747 is equipped with twelve exit doors, five on each side of the main deck and one on each side of the upper deck. When opened, slide/rafts will automatically inflate and can be used as visual distractions for young children who may be afraid and confused during a flabbergasting, human-rights infringing episode involving a bloodied, screaming passenger. Erschreckend!

During a water landing, do not use the indicated exits unless advised by a crew member. We at United are secretly hoping for a forced water landing to happen soon, so as to eclipse the historically miserable public relations nightmare we’re currently experiencing. Slide/rafts detach from the aircraft, and serve as life rafts, which carries a strong metaphorical aptness for our company.

If necessary, an oxygen mask will drop from above your seat and replenish the breath in your lungs that was taken away after witnessing our now-famous employee negligence. You know all of the stuff about putting your mask on first before your kids, you’ve been on planes. You’ve thought about it. And your seat is a flotation device, all that. Let’s just get flying before something happens. Oh, and don’t destroy the smoke detectors in the bathroom. You don’t even want to know what we’d do to you if you did that.

We’ll be taking off momentarily! Your tray table, carry-on items, headrest, and footrest should be stowed. Please review the safety card located near your seat. If you have any questions, please ask your crew. Choose your words carefully.

Thank you for flying United. Gracias por volar United. Beobachte dich, du fliegst United.

Thanks again, and enjoy your flight!

Unless we bump you.